I'm trying..

it’s hard. it’s hard to break a comfort especially when you’ve seen the great negative effects that could come (well, in your mind they WILL come there is no doubt) from breaking this comfort. it’s terrifying & it can make you sick & everyone acts like it’s easy. everyone acts like you’re awful for keeping things where they are. ‘it’s not healthy!’ ‘it’s not….’ not & not & how do you know what it is & what it isn’t. you count. everything. you count. a constant math equation that fails to ever equal a number you find fit. subtract again. rearrage the numbers or rearrange your will. there is never any credit given for trying, trying & failing. better luck next time. ‘it isn’t even hard’. it is one vice created when everything was uncertain so it will forever bring a comforting familiarity. another way to detatch. it’s terrifying to change. especially when you’ve seen the negative effects… ‘i’m trying.’