Hemmingway's Whiskey

if you see me out on the town,

and it looks like im burnin it down...

you wont ask and i wont say

but in my heart im always somewhere with you.

its a temporary high,

cause when i close my eyes im somewhere with you....

id much rather sleep somewhere with you

like we did on the beach last summer

when the rain came down and we took cover

you laid me down, whispered in my ear

"hold on to me, if you ever decide to leave then ill go, ill go"

you wont ask

i wont say
im so full of these endless rhymes
about the way i feel inside
i wish i could just get it right
well ive been down to georgia,
ive seen the streets in the west,
ive driven down the 90,
hell, ive seen americas best.
ive been through the rockies,
hell, ive seen saskatoon,
ive driven down the highway 1
just hopin that id see you soon.
hell ive seen a palace in london,
ive seen a castle in wales,
but id rather wake up beside you
and breathe that old familiar smell.
i never thought you could leave me,
i figured i was the one,
but i understand your sadness,
so i guess i should just hold my tongue.
every line is about who i dont wanna write about anymore.
hope you come down with something they cant diagnose,
dont have the cure for.
holding on to your grudge.
its so hard to have someone to love.
cause you cant keep a secret
if it never was a secret to start.
at least pretend you didnt wanna get caught..
we're concentrating on falling apart.
we were contenders, we're throwing the fight
i just wanna believe, i just wanna believe,
i just wanna believe in us.

never thought id make it out alive

its all in your goodbye

suckasss

Maria†Holic....hmmmmm might hit that anime uppp

5 Most Annoying People On The Bus;

No one likes taking the bus. No one wants to be there, it never goes directly where you want to go, it stops too much, you have to pay to be on it and it’s generally full of social outcasts and miscreants, which is why when we’re forced to be on a bus we try our best to not be bothered by anyone. Sadly it doesn’t always work out that way.

I take the bus only in the most dire circumstances, where each and every time is worse than every other time such that every bus ride is and always be the worse us ride you have ever been on.

The Hobo


You know this guy is on the list so let’s just get it out of the way. Hobos, for whatever reason, take the bus. But for the love of God why? Where is that hobo going? Where was he that he thought “I better panhandle until I can get across town in a circuitous manner so that I can do ____.” A hobo literally has nothing to do ever. No one else can ever truly say that. Even when you’re five your mom expects you to clean up your toaster strudel mess and go to bed at bed time. As a lazy ass college student you need to roll out of bed at least once a semester to stay enrolled. As a retiree you need to wash the sidewalk out front of your house. But a hobo? You don’t even need to move to shit. You can stay in the same place literally all day and you will let no one down, not even yourself. The only other things on earth that can live like a hobo are plants. And no one gives them money. Hobos are goddamn supermen.

But they don’t need to take the bus. And when they do that’s when shit gets real. How can I have any pride in myself when I am travelling with a guy who just admitted he can shit his pants and still consider the day a success? The moment I share an experience with a person who may store things under his balls for safe keeping is the moment I fail at whatever it is I’m doing.

The Family of 10


FUCKING BIRTH CONTROL AMERICA. That shit is so idiotic...why the hell do you need 10 kids?...........

It’s horribly arrogant to suggest that families shouldn’t go out and ride the bus, but families shouldn’t ride the bus. 5 is the limit at the very most. The moment you allow a genetic circus act to board the bus, you set the stage for an interactive theatre of discomfort for every other person on that bus as the yelling and insanity begin as though the family thinks they somehow entered the bus at a pan-dimensional bus stop where they were the only people in existence and are now accountable to no one for their hillbillian hijinks and lack of decorum. The moment one child starts running to the back of the bus as though a high fructose ADD supplement was being administered by the miscreants back there, the matriarch starts barking like a basset hound and then all bets are off as the bus and the people on it become the world’s most ghetto amusement park.

The Shopper


Hey old lady, been to Wal Mart have you? Bought a case of Ensure, a 25lb bag of small dog kibble and a wet/dry vac? Sure, sit next to me, it’s not like these seats are designed to barely roomy enough for two progeria patients abreast, I’m sure we can find some room around my shins for your rolly cart full of potted geraniums.

For whatever reason, the Shopper purchased an excess amount of whole wheat bread but couldn’t bother to get glasses that would help with the depth perception necessary to understand how the aisle in a bus can’t fit all their shit and allow others to move forward and backward in a way that doesn’t mimic the movements of panicked wildlife trying to navigate the jungle canopy.

The Needless Neighbor


Like the Shopper but lacking the extra baggage, the Needless Neighbor is the same kind of person who uses the urinal next to you at a bar when none of the others are occupied and will fart silently next to you at a wedding and, at the moment everyone notices it, will look at you and shrug noncommittally. Is it an apology or is it a subtle way to blame you? Who cares, just fuck off you intrusive bastard.

There may be a dozen empty seats on the bus, but for whatever reason this delightful soul wants to sit next to you. And because it’s a bus, that means your thighs, arms and an uncomfortable portion of midsection will be touching. If this were prison you’d only be this close to someone when they were inside you. And they would be in prison because you’re practically in one another’s lap.

The CHUD Flirt


Buses attract pretty girls the way putting googly eyes and a tiny wig on a turd and carrying it around downtown will attract pretty girls. Does that mean no girls take the bus? Sadly, no. It means CHUDs do. By now you should be as familiar with CHUDs as you are with Hitler AIDS, both are scourges of our modern age and both will wilt your willy like a pot of boiling water.

CHUDs frequent the bus and that’s cool, but beware of the CHUD flirt. The CHUD flirt refuses to sit, and will instead stand at the front of the bus and chat to the driver, the driver being the most authoritative and successful man she’s been in contact with all week. She will play with her straw-like hair and shift her weight from one bruised leg to another in a playful manner and because it’s at the front of the bus you will watch it. You will watch it as though the most unfortunate bargain bin porno were about to unfold before you, full of coffee stained undergarments and sexy names like Earl and Gertrude. Goddamn it all, you’ll watch it until your stop comes along.

She will meld giggling with a hoarse, emphysema-esque cough and try to be cute but, like our googly eyed turd, she is about as cute as a googly eyed turd.




Try to look out the window......

Goodnight World.

-stmichael

Steven Hawking: Not As Smart As We Thought;

World-famous physicist Stephen Hawking is considered by many to be the smartest man alive. Not only did he spend 30 years as the Lucasian Professor of Mathematics at Cambridge, a post once held by Isaac Newton, but he also has a really cool robot voice. However, it appears that Hawking probably isn't as sharp as we previously thought.

In his latest book, "The Grand Design," Hawking argues that God does not exist, and that there was no need for a higher power in the creation of the universe.


Spontaneous creation is the reason why there is something rather

than nothing, why the universe exists, why we exist. It is

not necessary to invoke God to light the blue touch paper [fuse]

and set the universe going.


I have a problem with the reasoning behind his belief, and the amount of time it took him to reach this conclusion.

Hawking claims to have lost any faith in the idea of a higher power in 1992, after the existence of a solar system besides our own was confirmed for the first time.

(The other solar system) makes the coincidences of our planetary conditions -- the single Sun, the lucky combination of Earth-Sun distance and solar mass, far less remarkable, and far less compelling evidence that the Earth was carefully designed just to please us human beings.



So, let me get this straight. It took the existence of another solar system billions of miles from our own to cement in his mind that there's not a big dude in the sky watching over us. That seems a bit excessive. If he really wanted to go the "no God" route, I think he could have started a little closer to home. For example, what about the fact that he’s CONFINED TO A FUCKING WHEELCHAIR?

My faith in God is tested every time I see will.I.am on TV. I can only imagine what my thought process would be if, through no fault of my own, my mind was trapped in a useless shell for 50 years. Why would a higher power play such a cruel joke? That seems like a better starting point for his lack of faith than some bundle of rock and gas floating around off in the cosmos.

And what’s even more disturbing is the fact that he was 50 by the time he made up his mind. It took him 50 damn years to reach a conclusion most smug atheists come to after attending a freshman philosophy class. What was the friggen hold up, Stevie?

Again, if religion is your thing, don’t sweat it. There’s a lot going on in this dude’s life that could have easily swung him the other way. For one thing, he was suppose to have died in his early 20s, and now he’s pushing 70. That’s nothing short of miraculous (unless it isn’t). But what’s even more impressive is that this dude has been married...twice! Granted, the first wife was on board before he became Robocop. But the second one married him well after he was sick. In fact, Hawking stole her away from the guy who designed the computer that allows him to talk. Talk about balls of steel! Sure, they got divorced too, but I still have a hard time wrapping my head around that one without thinking a higher power was involved.

Then again, the smartest man in the world went through the hell that is marriage twice. What kind of God would allow that? More importantly, why would the smartest man in the world not learn after the first time. It just goes to show that Hawking probably isn't as sharp as we previously thought.

7 Politically Correct Alternatives to 'Beat Whitey Night'

Last weekend at the Iowa State Fair, a group of around 30 teenagers allegedly attacked several random fairgoers, including two police officers. According to witnesses, the attackers were black and were taking part in a self-proclaimed “Beat Whitey Night.”

I have a hard time believing this for two reasons. First off, if there’s one thing popular culture has taught me, it’s that most crimes are committed by skinheads or evil corporate executives, with the exception of inner-city street gangs which are usually comprised of an equal number of whites, blacks, and Hispanics working together in harmony. Second, the idea that there are 30 black kids in the state of Iowa is ludicrous. And even if this were true, I doubt their motive was race based. I’m in Iowa several times a year, and I am often compelled to randomly beat the slack-jawed people I see milling about. Spend some time there yourself, and try not to attack a stranger. It can’t be done.

But just in case the allegations prove true, st. michael has come up with a list of seven politically correct alternatives to “Beat Whitey Night.” In the interest of promoting tolerance and understanding, we present them to you now, commercial free.


Greet Whitey Night


Instead of finding a random white dude and bashing his face into a bloody pulp, why not try a friendly greeting on for size? A simple “hey whitey” will get you a lot farther in life than eye gouging ever will. Once you get the hang of it, expand your repertoire with tailored variations. For example: “Hey whitey, nice Dale Earnhardt t-shirt,” or “Hey whitey, your Bluetooth doesn’t make you look like a derogatory term for female genitals at all.” See, isn’t making friends more fun than committing a hate crime?

Hug a Hispanic Day


Everyone loves a hug, and people who hail from cultures that were colonized by Spain are no exception. So why not reach out and show some “amor” to random Hispanics by offering them a warm embrace? If they decline, be persistent. It takes time for people to overcome their fear of “the other.” If they only speak Spanish, pretend you don’t understand the Spanish word for “no,” whatever that is.

Note: Latinos and Hispanics are not necessarily the same. Make sure you’ve determined who you are dealing with before you start lunging or hugging.



Lunge at a Latino Month


Fear and humor are closely related, which is why we sometimes laugh after being frightened by a prank or scary movie. So why not spend a month scaring random Latinos by lunging at them for no reason, and then quickly letting them in on the joke. You can try this at shopping malls, restaurants, or even on the front lawns of a prominent Latino politicians. Once they realize you’re kidding, you’ll probably have made a friend for life.

Amuse an Asian Week


Laughter is universal. So why not spend a week reaching out to the Asian American community through comedy? Try visiting a Chinese restaurant and showing off your hilarious Jackie Chan impression. Or rent a room at an Asian cultural center and show some of your favorite comedic films like Team America, A Christmas Story, and Full Metal Jacket.

Massage a Muslim Monday


Hey there, my Muslim friend. You look extremely tense. Perhaps a therapeutic message from a culturally sensitive stranger is just what the doctor ordered. The crusades were a longtime ago, and the Ottoman Turks haven’t invaded Christendom in years. So why not let my big strong hands melt away centuries of fear and mistrust, Allah willing.

Get Jiggy for Jews Saturday


It’s no secret that the Jewish community has given us some of our greatest entertainers. From Jerry Lewis to Jerry Seinfeld, Jews have been performing their asses of for generations. It’s time the rest of us gave something back. Next Saturday, find your local synagogue and wait in the parking lot. When the service lets out, perform an interpretive dance to “If I Were a Rich Man” from Fiddler on the Roof. No music? No problem. Just scream the song at the top of your lungs as your new Jewish friends walk by. If all goes well, make it a weekly “Tradition.”

Blow a Black Dude Thursday


Tensions between blacks and whites have improved over the years, but things are still a long way from perfect. And I think I know the reason why. When you have an argument with your spouse or partner, how do you usually make up afterwards? Exactly. So what better way for a white person to say “can’t we all just get along” than by spending a Thursday offering oral sex to black strangers? Let the healing begin. You’re welcome, America

How To Write A Black Eyed Peas Song

So you’ve decided to trade your soul in for something closer to high-fructose pudding and dick cheese, good for you. The vacuous suckhole of the entertainment industry is bottomless so don’t worry about being late to the party, there’s always room for more awfulness. And with that in mind, it’s time to write a Black Eyed Peas song.

Now, to start with, you can’t just churn out a Black Eyed Peas with no planning, despite how it seems like everything they’ve ever done was either made up on the spot or crafted by monkeys in a room full of paint fumes. There’s a lot that goes into one of these songs. And the core of this comes from the band itself. Are you ready to be the band? Let’s see if you meet the criteria;

In order to pull off a passingly convincing Taboo, you need to exploit mysterious ethnicity and a sense of unease in all occasions. People have to look at you and immediately wonder if you’re a musician, or a Mexican contract killer who works for malt liquor. People need to never be sure if it’s cool to leave children in your presence. Most importantly, you need long, lustrous hair. Get a wig, if necessary.





Does you head seem too small for your body in a way that’s strangely menacing? Good start. Can you trim a Mohawk so that it looks like a forest fire made of pubes? Even better. Can you make people at first say “Will.i.am? No wait, don’t tell me”? You’re Apl.de.ap.

The game is tougher now, because few musicians can achieve the levels of sincerity Will.i.am seems to possess while singing backup to shit like “My Humps.” Make sure you practice your poker face and never let anyone realize you’re aware how stupid what you’re saying truly is.







Have bladder control? Lose it. Yeah, she’s never going to live that down.

Now that you have the band members nailed down, you’re ready to start the writing process. It’s a bit like rolling down a hill, sinking in mud or finger banging a groupie who can’t do math in her head. Check it out;

The Title
Picking the title is the most important aspect of a BEP song, because it’s the only part anyone will remember as you’ll probably be repeating it 60 or so times before the song is over. Start by choosing a jazzy verb!

ululate, bring, have, pump, decant, cream, come, defensetrate, gargle, jam, stroke, dump, want, brung, go



Now you need to direct that verb at a noun of some kind. Remember, BEP is all about electricity and awesomeness, so shitty nouns just won’t cut it.

stank, lugnuts, elephant, Poland, me, jam, body, pants, sex, funk, ladies, pie, shit, lemon zest, love, disco, Obama, cream


If you really want to set it off, you should try your hand at some wicked adjectives as well, to make it a package deal of kick assery;

electrifying, jagged, itchy, fat, nutritious, funky, shaggy, exuberant, perfect, slippery, phunky, crotchety, juicy, damp, rancid, chunky



Man, we’re almost there. All you need to do now is pad in between the important words with those useless shit words we all mutter throughout our days. Just because some of these are also nouns and verbs doesn’t make them any more important.

her, a, why, Fergalicious, I, BEP, his, the, you, put, as, are, me, to, my, was, is, how, we, him



Sweet! Now let’s name us some BEP songs!

• We Want To Jam her Jam
• Electrifying My Fergalicious Poland
• Slippery Love Dump
• Stroke the Jagged Clock

Any one of those, or anything else you can string together here, would absolutely be no less retarded than what the Black Eyed Peas have already recorded, so you’re a winner on that count.

Writing the Song
You may think writing the song is harder than naming the song, but you’re wrong. In fact, naming the song took care of most of the writing. Do you remember any of the lyrics to Let’s Get Retarded that weren’t “let’s get retarded?” Chances are if you do, you don’t much care for the tone of this article.

Watch and see how easy it is to write a song once you have a catchy name like Slippery Love Dump.

Yeah
Yeah
Yeah
Slippery
Yeah
Slippery
Yeah
My slippery love dump
Ain’t no chump
Got to hump
Pump tha bump

Look at that! That’s a whole first verse of a song with the kindergarten-level rhyme scheme and lyrics breakdown that makes for platinum-selling albums. Include the song title as a repeated chorus 4 times and let Fergie have a verse where she rhymes things like “pizza” with “meet ya” and you’ve got a song that’s ready to be featured on So You Think You Can Dance.

Inner Monologue Of Steven Tyler On His First Day Of Idol Tryouts

Hello American Idoooooooooooooooooooooooooooool! Yeah! Alright! Yeah… So this is new. Yeah! How’s everyone feeling tonight? Yeah! Man, this stage is small. It’s like just a room. I have a room like this in my house. Call it “the room.” There’s a chair in it. I had sex on it. Never had sex here though.

Man, Randy Jackson. That cat was in Journey. I think I toured with them once. Am I on tour right now? Where are we, Phoenix? HELLO PHOENIX!! ARE YOU READY TO ROCK? Yeah! I have never met anyone who said no to that question.

Oh, hey, looky here, it’s a girl. Is that Ryan Seacrest? No, it’s a girl. Is she legal? Legally hot, am I right? I’d have her in a second. Ryan Seacrest would still be gelling his hair and I’d have her pregnant. And Randy Jackson wouldn’t have even belted out the first verse of Don’t Stop Believin’. He was the singer, right?


Oh shit, this chick is singing. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Yeah, she should have started with that. I think she’s singing Celine Dion. She’s French, man. I did a French chick this one time, in France. Yeah! Or maybe that was a pile of cocaine I put in a dress in my hotel in Paris. Either way, it was pregnant by the end of the night.

Holy shit have I done a lot of drugs. I’m just…that needs to be said. Should I interrupt her singing to say that? Is this an audition? No one told me the rules for this. Where’s my silk scarf? How come no one on American Idol is ready to rock? Didn’t I ask that a minute ago? Shit, just so many drugs.


I need to sue Jim Henson for basing those Mystics from the Dark Crystal on me. Man, this girl is still singing, it’s been like an hour. I need to think of something clever to say when it’s my turn. Is it my turn? God, she’s still singing. I remember Deep Purple doing a guitar solo at a concert in upstate New York that lasted longer than this, but those guys were all completely blazed on pine cleanser and heroin. They killed a transient right before they went on stage. This girl must be high on transient blood.

What key is this song supposed to be in? I sounded like this back when I had throat cancer. I can’t say that, I was told to be the good judge. I’m cool. I should say something like “Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell, yeeeeeeee-aaaa-hhaa!!” and then people will clap. I love it when they clap for me. Where’s the audience in this room anyway? I have a room like this at home. I should have sex in it.

Baby Jesus, she’s finally done. I need some buzz words to toss out, make it sound like I was paying attention. I’ll mention tone and melody. Yeah. Yeah! That’s good. I should make that into a song. Baby put your tone in my uh, sweet melody, we’ll be making music, that yo momma can’t see. Alright! Seriously though, I don’t know any women whose mothers are still alive. That’s sad.


Why is Randy calling this girl a dog? I’d give her a dog. In style. Doggy style! Yeah! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaah! That’s gold too, I should make that into a song. Girl you know I got style like a dog and I’ll do it to you with my wrinkled ramrod. Yeah! I mean, nah...no. wrinkled ain’t cool. Maybe I can call it my wicked ramrod. I’m pretty wicked. Pretty radical. Gnarly! Yeah!

Didn’t there used to be an English guy with tits on this show? Is it my turn yet or what? I should tell her I like her look. I like her style. Her doggy style! Ha! Wait, I did that joke. Nah, good jokes never die, that’s why I still watch my Benny Hill tapes. Ha ha, he used to chase skanks around to funny music! I used to do that, too.


Oh, it’s my turn next. I’m going to say I like her range and her passion, that’s some good bullshit, I think. She sounded like someone jacked up the treble on South American tranny porn, but I don’t know how constructive that criticism would be. Maybe I’ll say it was exotic. Hey, Exotic Tranny Treble, that could be a song – Girl you know I been watching you swing but then you bend down low and I see your thing yeah yeah yeah! Joe is going to love this shit. Oh, ok, my turn......

6 Ridiculous Research Studies

For some reason, the laymen out there are convinced science is scientific. That’s not always the case, but you could see why the mistake is made. The thing you need to remember is that every scientist was once a university student and you can take the physicist out of the frat, but you can’t always take the frat out of the physicist. And for that reason, you end up with brilliant glimpses into the lesser appreciated aspects of science, like these things;



Big Boobed Hitchhikers Get Picked Up More
If you ever doubted the place of science in the world (and presumably you live near Salt Lake if you did), behold the wonder of research. Science, giver of warmth, destroyer of ignorance, has shown that your chances of being picked up while hitchhiking will significantly improve if you have big boobies. Probably this is biology and physics and nuclear kickassery all in one.

Using high tech methods (stuffing a chick’s bra) research showed that a woman with an A cup has about a 15% chance of being picked up. A B cup’s chances go up to 17% and a C cup will take you all the way to 24%. The data ends there because the study is European and apparently D cups don’t exist there. If they did, it’s possible the woman would be given a free car and some croissants.
Of course this only applies to male drivers, as female drivers couldn’t give a shit how much sweater meat you’re packing, scientifically speaking. No word yet on the likelihood of being picked up if you’re a dude showing a few inches of neck.

How Do Soap Operas Portray Coma Patients?
This study is amazing. Someone wanted to know how soap operas portray and potentially misrepresent comas and coma patients. And thank God. Can you imagine living in a world where science didn’t delve into this? Where for all we know, soap operas are portraying comas as wicked albeit sleepy orgies full of T-bone steaks, imported beer and sweet, sweet heiny. Christ, what were the results?!?

According to this exhaustive research, soap operas take an overly optimistic view of coma and coma recovery. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck! Damn you, soap operas! Damn your infernal optimism!

In real life, when and if people recover from comas they tend to often have cognitive delays and difficulties. In soap operas, they reveal who fathered Bridget’s baby and then proceed to hump Julia, who we all know is engaged to Brock, who is doing missionary work in the Congo. Intrigue!

Healthy People Will Destroy Us

The Dutch have ruined our lives again by pointing out that, while you may die young if you’re a fatty fat smoker, if you’re one of those selfish assholes who’s all about being healthy, your long ass life is going to cost the government more in the long run just because you refuse to die. Man, f*ck you.

Apparently when you die from fatness, you’re going to cost your tax paying friends about $371k, which is pretty steep. Smokers cost a little more but Jesus, if you’re healthy, your long, drawn out life is going to cost the world at large $417k. That’s more awful than Gargamel and man, Gargamel was awful.

Fat Kids Get Bullied

Speaking of fatties and their toll on society, researchers in Michigan built a supercomputer called “Durr” and input a bunch of magazine clippings and pictures of Einstein into it until it churned out this chestnut of wisdom – fat kids are at a greater risk of being bullied than average sized kids. Zoinks!

Likely this news came as a shock to anyone raised by wolves, or new visitors to our world who don’t understand our crazy ways and mostly just want to probe us anally, bullying be damned. For everyone else, this was about as stunning as learning toilet water leaves a funny aftertaste and going to a Julia Roberts movie is going to end in soul crushing ennui.

We can’t back this with much science of our own, but we like to think there was a time long, long ago, when monkey men were first fashioning tools from sticks and bones, and one fat ass monkey dude with a glandular condition tried to make a hammer and the other monkey men pointed at his bitch tits before they bashed his skull in.

Twitter is Pointless

Holy crap, Justin Halpern is going to shit a brick. Turns out nearly half of everything on Twitter is more useless than the other half of everything on Twitter. To be more specific, it’s been determined that 40.5% of all tweets are “pointless babble.” Say it ain’t so!

According to the same research, just under 6% of tweets are for self promotion, with Holy Taco’s Twitter feed taking up a sizeable chunk of that. The biggest chunk, aside from the bullshit, was “conversation” at 37.5%. So people spend less time actually conversing with Twitter than they do making the equivalent of 140 character long cyber farts. Fantastic.

Stripper Earnings Affected by Periods

It’s possible the rest of the research team back at the university had a high five party for the guy who managed to get funding for this endeavor, and then presented him with the Golden Bullshit award. In a nutshell, this study set out to determine how a stripper’s menstrual cycle affected her earnings. Haven’t you always wondered that? Haven’t you? Yeah, you have.

Because Stmichaelisdead is all about education, I'll let you know how things turned out. Apparently, when a woman is ovulating, she gets bigger tips. If a woman is actually menstruating, she makes about $185, most of which she must spend on wipes to clean the pole. God damn, I'm sorry I made that joke. After ovulation she’ll make about $260 a shift. But while she’s all fertile and ready to go, she’ll make $335 on average. What does that mean? Honestly, absolutely nothing at all to you or me. Or even strippers, unless they’re using their vag as a scheduling tool and want to maximize work profit before going on vacation.................

7 People Who Messed With Texas

Of all the places not to mess with, Texas is at the top of the list. But in reality, this near universal recognition of Texas as a state above is misplaced. Turns out the “Don’t Mess with Texas” slogan is nothing more than a marketing ploy cooked up for the Texas Department of Transportation to discourage rednecks from littering the roads with their empty beer cans.

So don’t let the bumper stickers, fridge magnets, and trashy tattoos fool you. Texas is just as worthy of a good razzing as Indiana, Oklahoma, and all the crappy states in our fair land. That’s not to say that Texas won’t mess with you in return, but you shouldn’t be unduly worried about the Lone Star State.

Still don’t believe me? Here are seven examples of people who have messed with Texas to varying degrees of success.



7. Bonnie and Clyde

Both Bonnie Parker and Clyde Barrow hailed from the Loan Star State. But this infamous crime couple didn’t seem to feel much kinship with their fellow Texans, especially members of Texas’ law enforcement. Most of their early robberies and murders took place in the state, as did the infamous Eastham prison break which Barrow orchestrated in 1934. Not long after the brazen raid in which many lawmen were killed, Texas grew tired of being messed with and formed a posse led by Texas Ranger Frank Hamer (Walker, Texas Ranger had not yet been born). Hamer and his crew tracked the pair to Louisiana, and turned them into human pencils.

6. Robin Ventura

With close to 6000 strikeouts and seven no-hitters, it’s easy to see why Nolan Ryan, a native Texan, is considered a hero to baseball fans in his home state. So in 1993, when Chicago White Sox third baseman Robin Ventura charged Ryan after being hit with a pitch, it was a safe assumption that he wasn’t making any friends with the local populous. Despite Ventura being twenty years his junior, the 46-year-old Ryan easily manhandled his attacker, pummeling him until other players pulled them apart. Texas fans never forgave Ventura for the incident, and he was booed whenever he played in the state for the remainder of his career.

5. Antonio López de Santa Anna

Antonio López de Santa Anna, better known as Santa Anna, was a Mexican general, president, and sometimes dictator back in the early 1800’s. And if there’s one thing to be said for him, it’s that he had no problem messing with Texas. In fact, Santa Anna was screwing with Texas before it officially existed, making him perhaps the first person ever to mess with it.

In 1835, what we now know as Texas was still part of Mexico. When people in the area decided to declare their independence, Santa Anna decided he didn’t like that idea, and brutally squashed the rebellion, killing roughly 200 fighters at the Battle of the Alamo, and executing around 300 prisoners afterward. Although they eventually had their revenge with Santa Anna’s humiliating capture and defeat, Texans still bitch and moan about the Alamo to this day, which is a testament to how badly they were messed with.


4. Gregory Lee Johnson

In 1984, Gregory Lee Johnson was a member of the Revolutionary Communist Youth Brigade, which is a nice way of saying he was an all-around asshole. During a protest in Dallas, Johnson decided it would be a good idea to steal an American flag and light it on fire. Texas didn’t take too kindly to the act, and charged Johnson with a state law prohibiting desecration of a venerated object. However, Johnson appealed all the way to the Supreme Court, which ruled in his favor. The case became known as Texas v. Johnson, and is considered an important milestone in the interpretation of the First Amendment. It’s also the reason Fregie of The Black Eyed Peas continues to defecate on American flags with total impunity (probably).

3. Jane Roe

Jane Roe (whose real name was Norma Leah McCorvey), messed with Texas in a very similar manner to Gregory Lee Johnson. But instead of burning flags with kerosene, Roe wanted to burn fetuses with saline solution. However, anti-abortion laws in Texas prevented her from doing so. Roe challenged the laws in court, and like Johnson, the Supreme Court ruled in her favor, paving the way for legal abortions nationwide. If she had not messed with Texas, you’d still be making child support payments to that fat girl you met in Fort Lauderdale during spring break, 2004.

2. Oprah

In 1996, Oprah messed with Texas in the worst way possible: she threatened to stop eating ground beef. While that alone would negatively affect the Texas cattle trade, comments she made on her show about her fear of Mad Cow Disease scared the living daylights out of Texas cattlemen. The fear of a bunch of dimwitted housewives following Oprah’s lead them to sue the TV host for "false defamation of perishable food" and "business disparagement." However, Oprah beat the charges in what had to be one of the most humiliating defeats in Texas history.

1. Charles Whitman

On August 1, 1966, University of Texas student Chales Whitman decided to mess with Texas...in a big way. An ex-Marine, Whitman put his shooting skills to use, climbing to the top of a tower on campus and launching one of the deadliest shooting sprees in American history. In all, 14 people were killed and 32 were wounded before authorities finally killed the nut bag. Hopefully, Texas hero Sam Houston is brutally sodomizing Whitman in hell as we speak.


Honorable Mention: Tony Romo
Every year millions of Texans think Tony Romo is going to take the Cowboys to the Superbowl. They should know by now that he's just messing with them.

Goddddd I love texas :)

Don't You Float Away

Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands?
Close your eyes and trust it, trust it.
Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air?
Have you ever looked fear in the face and said I just don't care?

It's only half past the point of no return
The tip of the iceberg, the sun before the burn
The thunder before lightning, the breath before the phrase
Have you ever felt this way?

Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?
Your whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone
Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry?
Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?

Its only half past the point of oblivion
The hourglass on the table, the walk before the run
The breath before the kiss and the fear before the flames
Have you ever felt this way?

There you are, sitting in the garden
Clutching my coffee, calling me sugar

Have you ever wished for an endless night?
Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight
Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself
Will it ever get better than tonight? Tonight.

gridlock on the parkway

all the living are dead, and the dead are all living
the war is over and we are beginning.

gridlock on the parkway now, the television man is here to show you how
the channel fades to snow, its off to work you go but at least..the war is over

shes gone, she left before you woke, as you ate last night, neither of you spoke
dishes, tv, bed the darkness filled with dread, but at least the war is over.

we won, or we think we did, when you went away, you were just a kid, and if you lost it all...and you lost it. we will still be there when the war is over
all the living are dead and the dead are all living
the war is over and we are beginning.

here it comes, here comes the first day
it starts up in our bedroom after the war.
....after the war

is it really sin?

i owe you, don't i?
a little light today but tomorrow
ohh tomorrow

this usury's so typical
a piece of you for a piece of me
it's hard coded.

its all right
lets call it good.
ahhh a little more...
let's make this even

a piece of you for a piece of me
its hard coded

is it really a sin if we both come out even?

facebook.

just because we have 20 mutual

friends on facebook does not mean im your

friend. why are you adding me?

nooooooooooooooormyy,

=]

Why, good evening my dear.

Wakka Flocka Fucka Ducka.....

Yeah everyone.

I'M BACK.

This probably won't be one of my better blogs but yeah....

Ohhh the musics updated too :)

-ashybutt

I was really hoping I wouldn't have to blog on this guy but ...apparently its kinda hard to avoid him with his wonderful masterpiece of a song O LETS DO IT...which by the way...ugh which by the way sounds a hell of a lot dumber than the title itself..the lyrics i mean. i mean what purpose am I supposed to get out a song with the chorus that consists of " Ay, o lets do it, o lets do it...o lets do it...yeaaaaaaaaaahhh"...I mean what am I supposed to get out of that? In case you don't know who I'm talking about this guy and I quote Wakka Flocka Flame ..yeah I said it. Or as I like to call him, Gucci Mane Jr...and given that Gucci is shitty as fuck, its NO surprise that this guy, aka his..."right hand man" should be just as sucky and untalented as he is. Every time someone new comes out I try to listen to the song all the way through..but shit....I try and give them a fighting chance...you know, to find one redeemable quality about the artist. I did this to O LETS DO IT...or its appropriate name should be OLAY DO IT...All I could say afterwards was what the fucking hell. My thoughts after the song were along the lines of "I'd rather watch a dolphin rape an autistic kid...repeatedly. FULL volume"....I mean seriously there was no meaning behind it except playing dice and getting high and acting like a complete fucktard in front of plus 20,000 people...REALL ORIGINAL buddy. I read he got shot. HAHA. Yeah with a name like that YOU SHOULD. I mean Wokka Flocka Flame? What the fuck are you a pokemon? I mean you can guarantee your ass is gonna get shot......all I can says is Wokka Flocka Flame...what the fuck dude? Mannn how do you even spell that shit?



And Gucci..every time I listen to him my IQ drops 15 points. And do me a favor...name one rapper who is better than Gucci. I hear the most from Gucci dick warmers, "well you don't get it cause youre not a reall hood nigga"....sure I'm WHITE YOU IDIOT but you def ain't hood. So shut the fuckkk up. People saying shit like "Gucci Mane represents us"...he doesn't give a shit about you. He's making money off of your dumb ass. You're just dollar signs. Its called a target audience. He, a dumbass like you, is targeting other DUMBASSES. Of COURSE they are going to support him.









Just cause you got money doesn't mean you got talent.

Its all about underground.
You know you suck when dead guys are making more than you.
...Tupac, Biggie...mannn they make more than Wokka and Gucci...



......Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.


In 4 years Gucci's gonna be nothing. Wokka's gonna be nothing. They're gonna be walking around in bumbfuck idk NORTON or some shit and nobodys going to recognize them.


Ohhhh.... Wokka if you're reading this...i can like ghost write for you :)
Just dial (YOU) GOT-SHIT (968) 468-7448

A penny for my thoughts..

oh no I'll sell them for a dollar.

They're worth so much more after I'm a goner.

And then maybe you'll hear the words i been singin,

Funny when you're dead how people start listening.

Ode to the Maple Tree

Ah,

missed

opportunities

that lie beneath the maple tree,

never to present themselves again,

the whistle through the clifton wind

like the voices of

long dead

ghosts

It's just like him,

to wander off in the evergreen park

slowly searching

for any sign

of the ones he used to love

SEX ON FIRE!!!

I Only Want To Make You Smile;

The last time I saw you, you turned away I couldn't see you with the sun shining in my eyes I said "Hello" but you kept on walking I'm going deaf from the sound of the freeway the last time I saw you, you turned away I couldn't hear you with your voice ringing in my ears do you remember where we used to sleep at night? I couldn't feel you, your always so far away the first time I saw you, you turned away I couldn't see you with the smoke getting in my eyes I said "Hello" but you kept on walking. I'm going deaf from the sound of the DJ. The first time I saw you, you turned away I couldn't hear with the noise ringing in my ears. Do you remember where we used to sleep at night? I couldn't feel you, your always so far away I don't, don't wanna take you home. Please don't, don't make me sleep alone. If I could, I'd only want to make you smile If you would stay with me a while. The next time I see you, you'll turn away. I'll say "Hello" but you'll keep on walking. The next time you see me, I'll turn away. Do you remember where we used to sleep at night, I couldn't feel you, your always too far away. I don't, don't wanna take you home. Please don't, don't make me sleep alone. If I could, I'd only want to make you smile. If you would stay with me a while? I don't, don't wanna take you home. Please don't, don't make me sleep alone If I could, I'd only want to make you smile. If you would stay with me a while?

Tiiiiighttttt

http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.genepeach.com/ck/i/4.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.genepeach.com/ck/4.htm&usg=__Jt_ZNSELhKyIC3GPz3rqctWS5ww=&h=238&w=238&sz=15&hl=en&start=11&sig2=VrYvGuHD7YDSH6Zf-QzwTw&um=1&itbs=1&tbnid=3spXKVCoW3CDOM:&tbnh=109&tbnw=109&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dspud%2Bjones%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DX%26rls%3Dcom.microsoft:*:IE-SearchBox%26rlz%3D1I7GGLL_en%26tbs%3Disch:1&ei=U9auS67JPIGKlwfe_5iQAQ

favorite.

Frecklee Eyeeeee

Ugly Polish Man

Funny stuff thats been said:

Lawyer: "What happened then?"
Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"
Witness: "No."
-----
Lawyer: "And you check your radar unit frequently?"
Officer: "Yes, I do."
Lawyer: "And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?"
Officer: "Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly."
-----
Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?
------
Lawyer: "You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?"
-----

Lawyer: "You say that the stairs went down to the basement?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
---
Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"
Other Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."
---
"I don't think we got any of that, but we got Skoal." -- A grocery store clerk, after being asked where the oregano would be.
----

Yummmm

NOW EVEN CHEESIER! WHAT MORE COULD YOU ASK FOR?!

Plus they are soooo deliciousssssss

Some Great Homeless Signs

Hahaha

Ohio....Sweet FLAT Ohio...

New And Improved Wyoming Flag

For my buddies in Oregon. Their NEW State Flag;

ohh boyy

Once you feel her touch and you've felt that rush
It's gonna mess up your head
But here's the kicker son
Your old ticker's gonna beat you half to death

Manflesh

he is crazy hot.

Some Sexy Man Names To Ponder;

Kade
Colt
Colby
Carter
Trevor
Cameron
Quinn
Blake
Nick

mmmm and the last name McKay


and he'd better be wearin wranglers!

it's like, Reddd Robinnnnn

YUMMMM

Only In A Ghetto Establishment

Some how I don't think this would be found in a suburban area. Only in a hood joint would you find a picture of Ice Cube to label an actual "ice cube" dispensor.

Sexy Beast...in purple;

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

HOLY SHIT you got to watch this

Go down to the end of Stmichaelisdead and you can stop the music playing to listen to the video. FYI.....Noobs.

How To Win A Gunfight; INTERVIEW lol

FYI- In parts I’m interviewing myself so..haha


If there’s something I know well, it’s gun play. I often rob a bank during my lunch hour just so I can get into a gun battle with the authorities. Straight up Dillinger-style. Okay, so maybe my battlefield experience is limited to Nerf bullets and rubber bands, or hunting with my brothers, or just shooting the shit out of that damn armadillo digging a hole in my brothers yard with a .22 and HOPE I it =], but losing is still not an option. If you happen to find yourself trapped between Butch and Sundance, you need to have the know-how on how to win and walk away unscathed. Luckily, you have ME on your side to guide you through the process. Stmichaelisdead decided to ask a weapons expert (from the western barn, yo) for some hints on how to win a gunfight. That, and I also rewatched the kickass gun battle in the streets from Michael Mann’s Heat. Val Kilmer took one to the neck and kept going. Sweetness.
Stmichaelisdead’s Gun Expert: Ash of the Western Barn (lol)
Quick Bio -- Brings fugitives to justice, lifts weights, shoots things, blogging about reality and about her awesomeness (to be blogged very soon).
Choose Your Weapon Wisely: You probably won’t have access to a rocket launcher or bazooka, but choosing the next best thing will be key to your victory. Think something small, but powerful would be the best so you can do the ‘bob and weave’ if needed while firing off some rounds. Some rifles can be too cumbersome and awkward, so a handgun is the best route to take when choosing what you’ll be packing. And I’m not talking a .38 six shooter like the Westerns your grandpa or I grew up watching. I’m talking a heavy hitter with a clip that can be switched quickly. That’s what watching a lot of TV has taught me.
Advice: .44 Magnum.
Train: Ash says that “the best way to win a gunfight is training. You must train as often as you can depending on how good you want to be.” Think that since it is a gunfight and for reals, you probably want to be pretty good. Call it a gut feeling. Ash suggests training at least once a week and quotes the film Man on Fire: “You are either trained or untrained.” Okay then. Sign us up!! That means you need to be ready for bullets flying by your head while you are kicking ass or go ahead and paint a target on your face.
Advice: Watch more Denzel Washington movies.
Don’t Duel: Alexander Hamilton is a cautionary tale for all of us who want to challenge dudes to a gun duel. Duels are now illegal in a few states and are kind of dumb anyway. But they do sell cotton candy in the stands, for what it’s worth. Another reason not to duel is because it isn’t a real gunfight. It’s a crap shoot. And there are ‘gentleman’ rules that I don’t even know about involved in a duel. Borrrrrring.
Advice: Drive-by.
Don’t Be All Action Film-ish: Apparently the Die Hard films got it all wrong. Ash gun expert says that “running around and shooting off rounds” is a good way to get blown away. You may need to dodge and duck a little, but running like a maniac increases your chances of being hit -- which is probably not the start of a good day. In a real gunfight, stopping and aiming is the recipe for gunplay success -- that, and not running from place-to-place like a trapped fugitive. Stay in a safe location and be shielded. You know, so the bullets won’t hit you. That’s kind of important from what I have read in medical journals and seen on “M.A.S.H.” reruns.
Advice: Hide.
Pack Some Extra Junk: You know how in movies they keep firing and never run out of bullets? Yeah, not really the truth. Bullets run out quickly and guns need to be reloaded at some point. If you are in the line of work that requires carrying a gun, always have extra ammo. Loaded clips are best in a rush and muskets are discouraged because they’re ridiculous. Be prepared, is what I’m saying.
Advice: Wear cargo pants. Lots of pockets.
Don’t Shoot That Dude: The expert (aka, Ash) pointed out an important fact. Not everyone in your immediate universe is involved in said gun battle. I thought it was fun to shoot everyone in video games, but I was corrected. The expert’s warning of “you must always be aware of your surroundings” kind of makes you think twice when playing Play Station and shooting everything that moves. If the shit is going down in the street and you are under fire, make sure to scan the area before you fire back. Unless it’s your annoying neighbor walking by. Two birds, one stone, you know?
Advice: Give bullet proof vests to all your friends for Christmas.
Calm Yourself: As in, be zen like Phil Jackson Or someone else that is pretty calm under pressure. Ash says that a “gunfight won't be a relaxed deal. It most likely will be completely nuts [with] your nerves going a mile a minute.” Who would have thought that? It’s only bullets and shrapnel and stuff flying at you around 600 miles per hour. Staying calm during the battle requires focus and hours of training. We here at stmichaelisdead are assuming it also requires physical fitness so you don’t decide to take a nap in the middle of the gun duel. Just FYI.
Advice: Dance with Mary Jane. Daily.
Someone Has to Lose: Don’t blame me for saying there has to be a loser. Blame the gun expert. But be careful with your blame game -- she has a weapon and knows how to use it. Ash says that “to win [a gunfight], someone must lose theirs.” This means you kinda’, sorta’, haveta’ not have any mercy for the one you are battling. This is easy if you are on the right side of the law. Not so easy if your weapon is a Nerf gun and you are battling your 3-year-old nephew. Okay, maybe he deserves it.
Advice: Be heartless.

George Bush's Doodles During Obama Speach:

Doodling is a good way to express what you're thinking and how you're feeling in a situation. From time to time, we like to show you what people were doodling during important events in history. Which is why I was so lucky to come across George Bush's doodles during Barack Obama's inauguration speech. Enjoy.

=] hahaha

Yeah, I'd have gone for the goose, too;

The 10 MOST Worthless College Majors;

College is a great place to learn and have fun. But let’s not kid ourselves, some degrees are as useless as the plot in a Michael Bay film. Here’s a list of 10 degrees that may be interesting, but do jack shit for you in the real world.

10. ART HISTORY

Why It Won’t Help You Get a Job: With an art history degree you could maybe curate an art gallery or work at a museum or….yeah, that’s it. That’s all you can do. And seeing as how every art gallery and museum I’ve ever been to has exactly one dude sitting quietly at a desk reading a New Yorker and eating a food that requires chopsticks, I’m going to go ahead and assume there’s not a lot of positions open in the field. That means you’re going to have to venture out into the corporate world. And let me inform you, when you’re interviewing with Bob from the HR team at Wal-Mart who’s wearing a tie that has the twin towers smoking with writing underneath that says “We Will Never Forget,” your art history degree says to him “I’m a commie a-hole who thinks I’m better than guys with 9/11 ties.”

What Job You’ll End Up With: After your parents boot your ass from your bedroom to make room for anything that’s not your bedroom, you’ll wander towards the nearest coffee shop and get a job there, which will allow you to meet artists who will thank you for allowing them to put fliers by the cash register that inform people of their upcoming show that touts “the combination of art and flute.”

9. PHILOSOPHY

Why It Won’t Help You Get a Job: This isn’t ancient Greece: No one is going to pay you money, or allow you to sodomize their attractive son, in exchange for your knowledge of existence. Never has there been an employer who’s said “Man, we’re having all kinds of problems, I wish we had someone on our team who could reference and draw conclusions from the story of Siddhartha that would pull up our fourth quarter numbers.” I took many philosophy classes and it involved reading and smoking a shit pile of weed. You don’t need to pay 20,000 dollars a year to do that. All you need is twenty dollars and a library card.

What Job You’ll End Up With: Thanks to your extensive knowledge of philosophy, you’re now self-aware enough to know that most jobs out there will make you totally miserable. So most likely you’ll wait tables part time and hope someone starts paying you for the bi-monthly entries on your blog.

8. AMERICAN STUDIES

Why It Won't Help You Get a Job: If you're not named Achmed or Bjork or G'Day Mate this isn't a degree, it's the last 18 years of your life. If you really want to study us you don't need to go to some stupid class, you need only to sit back and watch a two-hour block of Must-See TV to understand The American. After doing my own research, it seems that this mysterious creature is a pot-bellied humanoid with a hot wife and bad credit who has a penchant for low-calorie beer, Chilis, Applebees, TGIFridays, Denny's, McDonald's, Taco Bell, Dave and Busters, Steak and Shake, Chilis (again) and Red Lobster. Oh and he can totally demolish a White Castle Crave Case in, like, 20 seconds. OK, now give me my degree.

What Job You’ll End Up With: To take your American Studies degree one step further, you will be qualified to do 40-50 years of “graduate work” cleaning tables and taking orders at a Chilis, Applebees, TGIFridays or Red Lobster. Or possibly Denny’s.

7. MUSIC THERAPY

Why It Won’t Help You Get a Job: I didn’t even know this was a major until I found it on the Appalachian State website. According to their actual explanation of this major: “Music therapy is the scientific application of the art of music within a therapeutic relationship to meet the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual needs of individuals.” Which is a big, fancy way of saying “We’ll teach you how to make a mix tape.” I guess I, too, am a qualified music therapist because my “Summer Jams ‘95” tape I made in the 10th grade totally rocked my house party. All my friends told me that kicking it off with Wreckz-N-Effects “Rump Shaker” followed by Coolio’s “Gangsta’s Paradise” totally met their physical, mental and spiritual needs to help them get wasted on my dad’s Schnapps and Drambuie.

What Job You’ll End Up With: After realizing that yoga studios and elderly homes don’t pay people just to come in and set mood music, you’re sadly going to end up putting your degree towards burning a fire to keep warm because you are homeless.

6. COMMUNICATIONS

Why It Won’t Help You Get a Job: Go into a communications class on any given day and it’ll smell like dried semen and booze. Reason being, communications is the major for anyone who wants to graduate, but doesn’t want to stop getting totally wasted on weekdays. Here’s the bad news, if an employer is going to hire someone to help decipher how human beings communicate, he’s going to hire someone with the letters “Dr.” before their name, not the person who first checks to see if a class is offered online, then when they find out it’s not, let’s out a “gaaaaay bro.”

What Job You’ll End Up With: You’ll go to several job interviews that turn out to be pyramid schemes, even though at first you won’t realize this and come home and tell your parents, who you still live with, “They said I’ll probably be making six figures in less than a year just by selling these beer cozies.”

5. DANCE
Why It Won’t Help You Get a Job: Despite what “Dancing with the Stars” and “High School Musical” may tell you, there aren’t a lot of dancing jobs out there—so you better be good because there aren’t any gigs for mediocre dancers. Outside of New York City or some crap in LA there is absolutely nothing you can do with a dance degree that doesn’t involve actually dancing for money. And since the Des Moines interpretive dance movement hasn’t really taken off yet, you have a better chance landing a job as an 8-Track repairman or a member of the Beatles.

What Job You’ll End Up With: After moving to New York and trying out for Hello Dolly! or Damn Yankees or any of the other seven Broadway plays that want dancers and not landing a single one because you got your dance degree from Ball State, you will find ample opportunity to show off your choreographic skills at one of the city’s many strip clubs. You’ll just need to change your name to Crystal or Bambi and you’ll be able finally live out your dream as a dancer. (Mom and Dad will be so proud!)

4. ENGLISH LIT

Why It Won’t Help You Get a Job: If someone can spend a weekend with a box of Cliff’s Notes and have only a slightly less conversational knowledge of what you spent 4 years studying, you probably don’t have the most employer friendly degree. Having an English Lit degree is like being a member of the Kansas City Royals: No one cares and the best you can hope for is every once in a while someone buys you a beer because of it.

What Job You’ll End Up With: You can read and comprehend, so that gives you an advantage over 99.5% of the people that peruse Craig’s list job listings. Therefore, you’ll most likely end up landing an entry level position at a random small company, or showing up to your interview and being raped repeatedly by a group of masked men.

3. LATIN

Why It Won’t Help You Get a Job: Not only does no one speak this language anymore, but we already have all the Latin that exists in the world. There’s no new Latin that’s hot off the presses that needs immediate translating. I’m no business major, but majoring in a language that doesn’t exist anymore doesn’t sound so good for job security. And I’m sorry to break the news to you, but the world doesn’t need someone to translate The Bible or the inscription on the side of a Post Office or El Loco Latino’s “Latin House Party.”

What Job You’ll End Up With: Since you majored in something that doesn’t exist, you’re going to have two jobs. Your first one will be as the annoying pretentious guy who gives everyone the Latin etymology of every big word he hears at every dinner party he attends. Your second, and most lucrative job, will be as a Subway Sandwich Artist.

2. FILM

Why It Won’t Help You Get a Job: No one in Hollywood gives a shit that you made a short film about an alcoholic albino that discovers the meaning of life through the help of a retarded child. Unless that retarded child was played by the son of Harvey Weinstein, your film or degree will be as pointless as the last three seasons of Lost

What Job You’ll End Up With: If you’re lucky, you’ll have an uncle who can get you a job as a production assistant on CSI Miami, where your time will be spent making coffee runs and finding whores that will let David Caruso pee on them.

1. RELIGION

Why It Won’t Help You Get a Job: Sorry God, but a major in Religion is about as worthless as St. Brice (The Patron Saint of Stomach Aches.) Even Duke University can’t put a solid sell on this degree: “A major in religion offers intellectual excitement and can be a pathway to a liberal education.” OK, you sold me. So now I get to shell out about a hundred thousand dollars so I can know what to wear to a Shinto ceremony and learn how many virgins Allah will give me if I blow myself up in an Israeli square? If it’s OK with you, I’ll keep my money and stick to my sinning-a-lot-now-and-repenting-on-my-deathbed plan.

What Job You’ll End Up With: This one is tricky. On one hand you’ll probably end up working behind the desk of a Christian Science Reading Room. But on the other, you may end up with everlasting peace and spiritual enlightenment. Let’s call it a draw.










Mmmm America, you love me <3