Hello American Idoooooooooooooooooooooooooooool! Yeah! Alright! Yeah… So this is new. Yeah! How’s everyone feeling tonight? Yeah! Man, this stage is small. It’s like just a room. I have a room like this in my house. Call it “the room.” There’s a chair in it. I had sex on it. Never had sex here though.
Man, Randy Jackson. That cat was in Journey. I think I toured with them once. Am I on tour right now? Where are we, Phoenix? HELLO PHOENIX!! ARE YOU READY TO ROCK? Yeah! I have never met anyone who said no to that question.
Oh, hey, looky here, it’s a girl. Is that Ryan Seacrest? No, it’s a girl. Is she legal? Legally hot, am I right? I’d have her in a second. Ryan Seacrest would still be gelling his hair and I’d have her pregnant. And Randy Jackson wouldn’t have even belted out the first verse of Don’t Stop Believin’. He was the singer, right?
Oh shit, this chick is singing. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Yeah, she should have started with that. I think she’s singing Celine Dion. She’s French, man. I did a French chick this one time, in France. Yeah! Or maybe that was a pile of cocaine I put in a dress in my hotel in Paris. Either way, it was pregnant by the end of the night.
Holy shit have I done a lot of drugs. I’m just…that needs to be said. Should I interrupt her singing to say that? Is this an audition? No one told me the rules for this. Where’s my silk scarf? How come no one on American Idol is ready to rock? Didn’t I ask that a minute ago? Shit, just so many drugs.
I need to sue Jim Henson for basing those Mystics from the Dark Crystal on me. Man, this girl is still singing, it’s been like an hour. I need to think of something clever to say when it’s my turn. Is it my turn? God, she’s still singing. I remember Deep Purple doing a guitar solo at a concert in upstate New York that lasted longer than this, but those guys were all completely blazed on pine cleanser and heroin. They killed a transient right before they went on stage. This girl must be high on transient blood.
What key is this song supposed to be in? I sounded like this back when I had throat cancer. I can’t say that, I was told to be the good judge. I’m cool. I should say something like “Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell, yeeeeeeee-aaaa-hhaa!!” and then people will clap. I love it when they clap for me. Where’s the audience in this room anyway? I have a room like this at home. I should have sex in it.
Baby Jesus, she’s finally done. I need some buzz words to toss out, make it sound like I was paying attention. I’ll mention tone and melody. Yeah. Yeah! That’s good. I should make that into a song. Baby put your tone in my uh, sweet melody, we’ll be making music, that yo momma can’t see. Alright! Seriously though, I don’t know any women whose mothers are still alive. That’s sad.
Why is Randy calling this girl a dog? I’d give her a dog. In style. Doggy style! Yeah! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaah! That’s gold too, I should make that into a song. Girl you know I got style like a dog and I’ll do it to you with my wrinkled ramrod. Yeah! I mean, nah...no. wrinkled ain’t cool. Maybe I can call it my wicked ramrod. I’m pretty wicked. Pretty radical. Gnarly! Yeah!
Didn’t there used to be an English guy with tits on this show? Is it my turn yet or what? I should tell her I like her look. I like her style. Her doggy style! Ha! Wait, I did that joke. Nah, good jokes never die, that’s why I still watch my Benny Hill tapes. Ha ha, he used to chase skanks around to funny music! I used to do that, too.
Oh, it’s my turn next. I’m going to say I like her range and her passion, that’s some good bullshit, I think. She sounded like someone jacked up the treble on South American tranny porn, but I don’t know how constructive that criticism would be. Maybe I’ll say it was exotic. Hey, Exotic Tranny Treble, that could be a song – Girl you know I been watching you swing but then you bend down low and I see your thing yeah yeah yeah! Joe is going to love this shit. Oh, ok, my turn......
No comments:
Post a Comment