Of all the places not to mess with, Texas is at the top of the list. But in reality, this near universal recognition of Texas as a state above is misplaced. Turns out the “Don’t Mess with Texas” slogan is nothing more than a marketing ploy cooked up for the Texas Department of Transportation to discourage rednecks from littering the roads with their empty beer cans.
So don’t let the bumper stickers, fridge magnets, and trashy tattoos fool you. Texas is just as worthy of a good razzing as Indiana, Oklahoma, and all the crappy states in our fair land. That’s not to say that Texas won’t mess with you in return, but you shouldn’t be unduly worried about the Lone Star State.
Still don’t believe me? Here are seven examples of people who have messed with Texas to varying degrees of success.
7. Bonnie and Clyde
Both Bonnie Parker and Clyde Barrow hailed from the Loan Star State. But this infamous crime couple didn’t seem to feel much kinship with their fellow Texans, especially members of Texas’ law enforcement. Most of their early robberies and murders took place in the state, as did the infamous Eastham prison break which Barrow orchestrated in 1934. Not long after the brazen raid in which many lawmen were killed, Texas grew tired of being messed with and formed a posse led by Texas Ranger Frank Hamer (Walker, Texas Ranger had not yet been born). Hamer and his crew tracked the pair to Louisiana, and turned them into human pencils.
6. Robin Ventura
With close to 6000 strikeouts and seven no-hitters, it’s easy to see why Nolan Ryan, a native Texan, is considered a hero to baseball fans in his home state. So in 1993, when Chicago White Sox third baseman Robin Ventura charged Ryan after being hit with a pitch, it was a safe assumption that he wasn’t making any friends with the local populous. Despite Ventura being twenty years his junior, the 46-year-old Ryan easily manhandled his attacker, pummeling him until other players pulled them apart. Texas fans never forgave Ventura for the incident, and he was booed whenever he played in the state for the remainder of his career.
5. Antonio López de Santa Anna
Antonio López de Santa Anna, better known as Santa Anna, was a Mexican general, president, and sometimes dictator back in the early 1800’s. And if there’s one thing to be said for him, it’s that he had no problem messing with Texas. In fact, Santa Anna was screwing with Texas before it officially existed, making him perhaps the first person ever to mess with it.
In 1835, what we now know as Texas was still part of Mexico. When people in the area decided to declare their independence, Santa Anna decided he didn’t like that idea, and brutally squashed the rebellion, killing roughly 200 fighters at the Battle of the Alamo, and executing around 300 prisoners afterward. Although they eventually had their revenge with Santa Anna’s humiliating capture and defeat, Texans still bitch and moan about the Alamo to this day, which is a testament to how badly they were messed with.
4. Gregory Lee Johnson
In 1984, Gregory Lee Johnson was a member of the Revolutionary Communist Youth Brigade, which is a nice way of saying he was an all-around asshole. During a protest in Dallas, Johnson decided it would be a good idea to steal an American flag and light it on fire. Texas didn’t take too kindly to the act, and charged Johnson with a state law prohibiting desecration of a venerated object. However, Johnson appealed all the way to the Supreme Court, which ruled in his favor. The case became known as Texas v. Johnson, and is considered an important milestone in the interpretation of the First Amendment. It’s also the reason Fregie of The Black Eyed Peas continues to defecate on American flags with total impunity (probably).
3. Jane Roe
Jane Roe (whose real name was Norma Leah McCorvey), messed with Texas in a very similar manner to Gregory Lee Johnson. But instead of burning flags with kerosene, Roe wanted to burn fetuses with saline solution. However, anti-abortion laws in Texas prevented her from doing so. Roe challenged the laws in court, and like Johnson, the Supreme Court ruled in her favor, paving the way for legal abortions nationwide. If she had not messed with Texas, you’d still be making child support payments to that fat girl you met in Fort Lauderdale during spring break, 2004.
2. Oprah
In 1996, Oprah messed with Texas in the worst way possible: she threatened to stop eating ground beef. While that alone would negatively affect the Texas cattle trade, comments she made on her show about her fear of Mad Cow Disease scared the living daylights out of Texas cattlemen. The fear of a bunch of dimwitted housewives following Oprah’s lead them to sue the TV host for "false defamation of perishable food" and "business disparagement." However, Oprah beat the charges in what had to be one of the most humiliating defeats in Texas history.
1. Charles Whitman
On August 1, 1966, University of Texas student Chales Whitman decided to mess with Texas...in a big way. An ex-Marine, Whitman put his shooting skills to use, climbing to the top of a tower on campus and launching one of the deadliest shooting sprees in American history. In all, 14 people were killed and 32 were wounded before authorities finally killed the nut bag. Hopefully, Texas hero Sam Houston is brutally sodomizing Whitman in hell as we speak.
Honorable Mention: Tony Romo
Every year millions of Texans think Tony Romo is going to take the Cowboys to the Superbowl. They should know by now that he's just messing with them.
So don’t let the bumper stickers, fridge magnets, and trashy tattoos fool you. Texas is just as worthy of a good razzing as Indiana, Oklahoma, and all the crappy states in our fair land. That’s not to say that Texas won’t mess with you in return, but you shouldn’t be unduly worried about the Lone Star State.
Still don’t believe me? Here are seven examples of people who have messed with Texas to varying degrees of success.
7. Bonnie and Clyde
Both Bonnie Parker and Clyde Barrow hailed from the Loan Star State. But this infamous crime couple didn’t seem to feel much kinship with their fellow Texans, especially members of Texas’ law enforcement. Most of their early robberies and murders took place in the state, as did the infamous Eastham prison break which Barrow orchestrated in 1934. Not long after the brazen raid in which many lawmen were killed, Texas grew tired of being messed with and formed a posse led by Texas Ranger Frank Hamer (Walker, Texas Ranger had not yet been born). Hamer and his crew tracked the pair to Louisiana, and turned them into human pencils.
6. Robin Ventura
With close to 6000 strikeouts and seven no-hitters, it’s easy to see why Nolan Ryan, a native Texan, is considered a hero to baseball fans in his home state. So in 1993, when Chicago White Sox third baseman Robin Ventura charged Ryan after being hit with a pitch, it was a safe assumption that he wasn’t making any friends with the local populous. Despite Ventura being twenty years his junior, the 46-year-old Ryan easily manhandled his attacker, pummeling him until other players pulled them apart. Texas fans never forgave Ventura for the incident, and he was booed whenever he played in the state for the remainder of his career.
5. Antonio López de Santa Anna
Antonio López de Santa Anna, better known as Santa Anna, was a Mexican general, president, and sometimes dictator back in the early 1800’s. And if there’s one thing to be said for him, it’s that he had no problem messing with Texas. In fact, Santa Anna was screwing with Texas before it officially existed, making him perhaps the first person ever to mess with it.
In 1835, what we now know as Texas was still part of Mexico. When people in the area decided to declare their independence, Santa Anna decided he didn’t like that idea, and brutally squashed the rebellion, killing roughly 200 fighters at the Battle of the Alamo, and executing around 300 prisoners afterward. Although they eventually had their revenge with Santa Anna’s humiliating capture and defeat, Texans still bitch and moan about the Alamo to this day, which is a testament to how badly they were messed with.
4. Gregory Lee Johnson
In 1984, Gregory Lee Johnson was a member of the Revolutionary Communist Youth Brigade, which is a nice way of saying he was an all-around asshole. During a protest in Dallas, Johnson decided it would be a good idea to steal an American flag and light it on fire. Texas didn’t take too kindly to the act, and charged Johnson with a state law prohibiting desecration of a venerated object. However, Johnson appealed all the way to the Supreme Court, which ruled in his favor. The case became known as Texas v. Johnson, and is considered an important milestone in the interpretation of the First Amendment. It’s also the reason Fregie of The Black Eyed Peas continues to defecate on American flags with total impunity (probably).
3. Jane Roe
Jane Roe (whose real name was Norma Leah McCorvey), messed with Texas in a very similar manner to Gregory Lee Johnson. But instead of burning flags with kerosene, Roe wanted to burn fetuses with saline solution. However, anti-abortion laws in Texas prevented her from doing so. Roe challenged the laws in court, and like Johnson, the Supreme Court ruled in her favor, paving the way for legal abortions nationwide. If she had not messed with Texas, you’d still be making child support payments to that fat girl you met in Fort Lauderdale during spring break, 2004.
2. Oprah
In 1996, Oprah messed with Texas in the worst way possible: she threatened to stop eating ground beef. While that alone would negatively affect the Texas cattle trade, comments she made on her show about her fear of Mad Cow Disease scared the living daylights out of Texas cattlemen. The fear of a bunch of dimwitted housewives following Oprah’s lead them to sue the TV host for "false defamation of perishable food" and "business disparagement." However, Oprah beat the charges in what had to be one of the most humiliating defeats in Texas history.
1. Charles Whitman
On August 1, 1966, University of Texas student Chales Whitman decided to mess with Texas...in a big way. An ex-Marine, Whitman put his shooting skills to use, climbing to the top of a tower on campus and launching one of the deadliest shooting sprees in American history. In all, 14 people were killed and 32 were wounded before authorities finally killed the nut bag. Hopefully, Texas hero Sam Houston is brutally sodomizing Whitman in hell as we speak.
Honorable Mention: Tony Romo
Every year millions of Texans think Tony Romo is going to take the Cowboys to the Superbowl. They should know by now that he's just messing with them.
Goddddd I love texas :)
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