Last weekend at the Iowa State Fair, a group of around 30 teenagers allegedly attacked several random fairgoers, including two police officers. According to witnesses, the attackers were black and were taking part in a self-proclaimed “Beat Whitey Night.”
I have a hard time believing this for two reasons. First off, if there’s one thing popular culture has taught me, it’s that most crimes are committed by skinheads or evil corporate executives, with the exception of inner-city street gangs which are usually comprised of an equal number of whites, blacks, and Hispanics working together in harmony. Second, the idea that there are 30 black kids in the state of Iowa is ludicrous. And even if this were true, I doubt their motive was race based. I’m in Iowa several times a year, and I am often compelled to randomly beat the slack-jawed people I see milling about. Spend some time there yourself, and try not to attack a stranger. It can’t be done.
But just in case the allegations prove true, st. michael has come up with a list of seven politically correct alternatives to “Beat Whitey Night.” In the interest of promoting tolerance and understanding, we present them to you now, commercial free.
Greet Whitey Night
Instead of finding a random white dude and bashing his face into a bloody pulp, why not try a friendly greeting on for size? A simple “hey whitey” will get you a lot farther in life than eye gouging ever will. Once you get the hang of it, expand your repertoire with tailored variations. For example: “Hey whitey, nice Dale Earnhardt t-shirt,” or “Hey whitey, your Bluetooth doesn’t make you look like a derogatory term for female genitals at all.” See, isn’t making friends more fun than committing a hate crime?
Hug a Hispanic Day
Everyone loves a hug, and people who hail from cultures that were colonized by Spain are no exception. So why not reach out and show some “amor” to random Hispanics by offering them a warm embrace? If they decline, be persistent. It takes time for people to overcome their fear of “the other.” If they only speak Spanish, pretend you don’t understand the Spanish word for “no,” whatever that is.
Note: Latinos and Hispanics are not necessarily the same. Make sure you’ve determined who you are dealing with before you start lunging or hugging.
Lunge at a Latino Month
Fear and humor are closely related, which is why we sometimes laugh after being frightened by a prank or scary movie. So why not spend a month scaring random Latinos by lunging at them for no reason, and then quickly letting them in on the joke. You can try this at shopping malls, restaurants, or even on the front lawns of a prominent Latino politicians. Once they realize you’re kidding, you’ll probably have made a friend for life.
Amuse an Asian Week
Laughter is universal. So why not spend a week reaching out to the Asian American community through comedy? Try visiting a Chinese restaurant and showing off your hilarious Jackie Chan impression. Or rent a room at an Asian cultural center and show some of your favorite comedic films like Team America, A Christmas Story, and Full Metal Jacket.
Massage a Muslim Monday
Hey there, my Muslim friend. You look extremely tense. Perhaps a therapeutic message from a culturally sensitive stranger is just what the doctor ordered. The crusades were a longtime ago, and the Ottoman Turks haven’t invaded Christendom in years. So why not let my big strong hands melt away centuries of fear and mistrust, Allah willing.
Get Jiggy for Jews Saturday
It’s no secret that the Jewish community has given us some of our greatest entertainers. From Jerry Lewis to Jerry Seinfeld, Jews have been performing their asses of for generations. It’s time the rest of us gave something back. Next Saturday, find your local synagogue and wait in the parking lot. When the service lets out, perform an interpretive dance to “If I Were a Rich Man” from Fiddler on the Roof. No music? No problem. Just scream the song at the top of your lungs as your new Jewish friends walk by. If all goes well, make it a weekly “Tradition.”
Blow a Black Dude Thursday
Tensions between blacks and whites have improved over the years, but things are still a long way from perfect. And I think I know the reason why. When you have an argument with your spouse or partner, how do you usually make up afterwards? Exactly. So what better way for a white person to say “can’t we all just get along” than by spending a Thursday offering oral sex to black strangers? Let the healing begin. You’re welcome, America
Monday, August 30, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
How To Write A Black Eyed Peas Song
So you’ve decided to trade your soul in for something closer to high-fructose pudding and dick cheese, good for you. The vacuous suckhole of the entertainment industry is bottomless so don’t worry about being late to the party, there’s always room for more awfulness. And with that in mind, it’s time to write a Black Eyed Peas song.
Now, to start with, you can’t just churn out a Black Eyed Peas with no planning, despite how it seems like everything they’ve ever done was either made up on the spot or crafted by monkeys in a room full of paint fumes. There’s a lot that goes into one of these songs. And the core of this comes from the band itself. Are you ready to be the band? Let’s see if you meet the criteria;
In order to pull off a passingly convincing Taboo, you need to exploit mysterious ethnicity and a sense of unease in all occasions. People have to look at you and immediately wonder if you’re a musician, or a Mexican contract killer who works for malt liquor. People need to never be sure if it’s cool to leave children in your presence. Most importantly, you need long, lustrous hair. Get a wig, if necessary.
Does you head seem too small for your body in a way that’s strangely menacing? Good start. Can you trim a Mohawk so that it looks like a forest fire made of pubes? Even better. Can you make people at first say “Will.i.am? No wait, don’t tell me”? You’re Apl.de.ap.
The game is tougher now, because few musicians can achieve the levels of sincerity Will.i.am seems to possess while singing backup to shit like “My Humps.” Make sure you practice your poker face and never let anyone realize you’re aware how stupid what you’re saying truly is.
Have bladder control? Lose it. Yeah, she’s never going to live that down.
Now that you have the band members nailed down, you’re ready to start the writing process. It’s a bit like rolling down a hill, sinking in mud or finger banging a groupie who can’t do math in her head. Check it out;
The Title
Picking the title is the most important aspect of a BEP song, because it’s the only part anyone will remember as you’ll probably be repeating it 60 or so times before the song is over. Start by choosing a jazzy verb!
ululate, bring, have, pump, decant, cream, come, defensetrate, gargle, jam, stroke, dump, want, brung, go
Now you need to direct that verb at a noun of some kind. Remember, BEP is all about electricity and awesomeness, so shitty nouns just won’t cut it.
stank, lugnuts, elephant, Poland, me, jam, body, pants, sex, funk, ladies, pie, shit, lemon zest, love, disco, Obama, cream
If you really want to set it off, you should try your hand at some wicked adjectives as well, to make it a package deal of kick assery;
electrifying, jagged, itchy, fat, nutritious, funky, shaggy, exuberant, perfect, slippery, phunky, crotchety, juicy, damp, rancid, chunky
Man, we’re almost there. All you need to do now is pad in between the important words with those useless shit words we all mutter throughout our days. Just because some of these are also nouns and verbs doesn’t make them any more important.
her, a, why, Fergalicious, I, BEP, his, the, you, put, as, are, me, to, my, was, is, how, we, him
Sweet! Now let’s name us some BEP songs!
• We Want To Jam her Jam
• Electrifying My Fergalicious Poland
• Slippery Love Dump
• Stroke the Jagged Clock
Any one of those, or anything else you can string together here, would absolutely be no less retarded than what the Black Eyed Peas have already recorded, so you’re a winner on that count.
Writing the Song
You may think writing the song is harder than naming the song, but you’re wrong. In fact, naming the song took care of most of the writing. Do you remember any of the lyrics to Let’s Get Retarded that weren’t “let’s get retarded?” Chances are if you do, you don’t much care for the tone of this article.
Watch and see how easy it is to write a song once you have a catchy name like Slippery Love Dump.
Yeah
Yeah
Yeah
Slippery
Yeah
Slippery
Yeah
My slippery love dump
Ain’t no chump
Got to hump
Pump tha bump
Look at that! That’s a whole first verse of a song with the kindergarten-level rhyme scheme and lyrics breakdown that makes for platinum-selling albums. Include the song title as a repeated chorus 4 times and let Fergie have a verse where she rhymes things like “pizza” with “meet ya” and you’ve got a song that’s ready to be featured on So You Think You Can Dance.
Inner Monologue Of Steven Tyler On His First Day Of Idol Tryouts
Hello American Idoooooooooooooooooooooooooooool! Yeah! Alright! Yeah… So this is new. Yeah! How’s everyone feeling tonight? Yeah! Man, this stage is small. It’s like just a room. I have a room like this in my house. Call it “the room.” There’s a chair in it. I had sex on it. Never had sex here though.
Man, Randy Jackson. That cat was in Journey. I think I toured with them once. Am I on tour right now? Where are we, Phoenix? HELLO PHOENIX!! ARE YOU READY TO ROCK? Yeah! I have never met anyone who said no to that question.
Oh, hey, looky here, it’s a girl. Is that Ryan Seacrest? No, it’s a girl. Is she legal? Legally hot, am I right? I’d have her in a second. Ryan Seacrest would still be gelling his hair and I’d have her pregnant. And Randy Jackson wouldn’t have even belted out the first verse of Don’t Stop Believin’. He was the singer, right?
Oh shit, this chick is singing. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Yeah, she should have started with that. I think she’s singing Celine Dion. She’s French, man. I did a French chick this one time, in France. Yeah! Or maybe that was a pile of cocaine I put in a dress in my hotel in Paris. Either way, it was pregnant by the end of the night.
Holy shit have I done a lot of drugs. I’m just…that needs to be said. Should I interrupt her singing to say that? Is this an audition? No one told me the rules for this. Where’s my silk scarf? How come no one on American Idol is ready to rock? Didn’t I ask that a minute ago? Shit, just so many drugs.
I need to sue Jim Henson for basing those Mystics from the Dark Crystal on me. Man, this girl is still singing, it’s been like an hour. I need to think of something clever to say when it’s my turn. Is it my turn? God, she’s still singing. I remember Deep Purple doing a guitar solo at a concert in upstate New York that lasted longer than this, but those guys were all completely blazed on pine cleanser and heroin. They killed a transient right before they went on stage. This girl must be high on transient blood.
What key is this song supposed to be in? I sounded like this back when I had throat cancer. I can’t say that, I was told to be the good judge. I’m cool. I should say something like “Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell, yeeeeeeee-aaaa-hhaa!!” and then people will clap. I love it when they clap for me. Where’s the audience in this room anyway? I have a room like this at home. I should have sex in it.
Baby Jesus, she’s finally done. I need some buzz words to toss out, make it sound like I was paying attention. I’ll mention tone and melody. Yeah. Yeah! That’s good. I should make that into a song. Baby put your tone in my uh, sweet melody, we’ll be making music, that yo momma can’t see. Alright! Seriously though, I don’t know any women whose mothers are still alive. That’s sad.
Why is Randy calling this girl a dog? I’d give her a dog. In style. Doggy style! Yeah! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaah! That’s gold too, I should make that into a song. Girl you know I got style like a dog and I’ll do it to you with my wrinkled ramrod. Yeah! I mean, nah...no. wrinkled ain’t cool. Maybe I can call it my wicked ramrod. I’m pretty wicked. Pretty radical. Gnarly! Yeah!
Didn’t there used to be an English guy with tits on this show? Is it my turn yet or what? I should tell her I like her look. I like her style. Her doggy style! Ha! Wait, I did that joke. Nah, good jokes never die, that’s why I still watch my Benny Hill tapes. Ha ha, he used to chase skanks around to funny music! I used to do that, too.
Oh, it’s my turn next. I’m going to say I like her range and her passion, that’s some good bullshit, I think. She sounded like someone jacked up the treble on South American tranny porn, but I don’t know how constructive that criticism would be. Maybe I’ll say it was exotic. Hey, Exotic Tranny Treble, that could be a song – Girl you know I been watching you swing but then you bend down low and I see your thing yeah yeah yeah! Joe is going to love this shit. Oh, ok, my turn......
Man, Randy Jackson. That cat was in Journey. I think I toured with them once. Am I on tour right now? Where are we, Phoenix? HELLO PHOENIX!! ARE YOU READY TO ROCK? Yeah! I have never met anyone who said no to that question.
Oh, hey, looky here, it’s a girl. Is that Ryan Seacrest? No, it’s a girl. Is she legal? Legally hot, am I right? I’d have her in a second. Ryan Seacrest would still be gelling his hair and I’d have her pregnant. And Randy Jackson wouldn’t have even belted out the first verse of Don’t Stop Believin’. He was the singer, right?
Oh shit, this chick is singing. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Yeah, she should have started with that. I think she’s singing Celine Dion. She’s French, man. I did a French chick this one time, in France. Yeah! Or maybe that was a pile of cocaine I put in a dress in my hotel in Paris. Either way, it was pregnant by the end of the night.
Holy shit have I done a lot of drugs. I’m just…that needs to be said. Should I interrupt her singing to say that? Is this an audition? No one told me the rules for this. Where’s my silk scarf? How come no one on American Idol is ready to rock? Didn’t I ask that a minute ago? Shit, just so many drugs.
I need to sue Jim Henson for basing those Mystics from the Dark Crystal on me. Man, this girl is still singing, it’s been like an hour. I need to think of something clever to say when it’s my turn. Is it my turn? God, she’s still singing. I remember Deep Purple doing a guitar solo at a concert in upstate New York that lasted longer than this, but those guys were all completely blazed on pine cleanser and heroin. They killed a transient right before they went on stage. This girl must be high on transient blood.
What key is this song supposed to be in? I sounded like this back when I had throat cancer. I can’t say that, I was told to be the good judge. I’m cool. I should say something like “Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell, yeeeeeeee-aaaa-hhaa!!” and then people will clap. I love it when they clap for me. Where’s the audience in this room anyway? I have a room like this at home. I should have sex in it.
Baby Jesus, she’s finally done. I need some buzz words to toss out, make it sound like I was paying attention. I’ll mention tone and melody. Yeah. Yeah! That’s good. I should make that into a song. Baby put your tone in my uh, sweet melody, we’ll be making music, that yo momma can’t see. Alright! Seriously though, I don’t know any women whose mothers are still alive. That’s sad.
Why is Randy calling this girl a dog? I’d give her a dog. In style. Doggy style! Yeah! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaah! That’s gold too, I should make that into a song. Girl you know I got style like a dog and I’ll do it to you with my wrinkled ramrod. Yeah! I mean, nah...no. wrinkled ain’t cool. Maybe I can call it my wicked ramrod. I’m pretty wicked. Pretty radical. Gnarly! Yeah!
Didn’t there used to be an English guy with tits on this show? Is it my turn yet or what? I should tell her I like her look. I like her style. Her doggy style! Ha! Wait, I did that joke. Nah, good jokes never die, that’s why I still watch my Benny Hill tapes. Ha ha, he used to chase skanks around to funny music! I used to do that, too.
Oh, it’s my turn next. I’m going to say I like her range and her passion, that’s some good bullshit, I think. She sounded like someone jacked up the treble on South American tranny porn, but I don’t know how constructive that criticism would be. Maybe I’ll say it was exotic. Hey, Exotic Tranny Treble, that could be a song – Girl you know I been watching you swing but then you bend down low and I see your thing yeah yeah yeah! Joe is going to love this shit. Oh, ok, my turn......
6 Ridiculous Research Studies
For some reason, the laymen out there are convinced science is scientific. That’s not always the case, but you could see why the mistake is made. The thing you need to remember is that every scientist was once a university student and you can take the physicist out of the frat, but you can’t always take the frat out of the physicist. And for that reason, you end up with brilliant glimpses into the lesser appreciated aspects of science, like these things;
Big Boobed Hitchhikers Get Picked Up More
If you ever doubted the place of science in the world (and presumably you live near Salt Lake if you did), behold the wonder of research. Science, giver of warmth, destroyer of ignorance, has shown that your chances of being picked up while hitchhiking will significantly improve if you have big boobies. Probably this is biology and physics and nuclear kickassery all in one.
Using high tech methods (stuffing a chick’s bra) research showed that a woman with an A cup has about a 15% chance of being picked up. A B cup’s chances go up to 17% and a C cup will take you all the way to 24%. The data ends there because the study is European and apparently D cups don’t exist there. If they did, it’s possible the woman would be given a free car and some croissants.
Of course this only applies to male drivers, as female drivers couldn’t give a shit how much sweater meat you’re packing, scientifically speaking. No word yet on the likelihood of being picked up if you’re a dude showing a few inches of neck.
How Do Soap Operas Portray Coma Patients?
This study is amazing. Someone wanted to know how soap operas portray and potentially misrepresent comas and coma patients. And thank God. Can you imagine living in a world where science didn’t delve into this? Where for all we know, soap operas are portraying comas as wicked albeit sleepy orgies full of T-bone steaks, imported beer and sweet, sweet heiny. Christ, what were the results?!?
According to this exhaustive research, soap operas take an overly optimistic view of coma and coma recovery. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck! Damn you, soap operas! Damn your infernal optimism!
In real life, when and if people recover from comas they tend to often have cognitive delays and difficulties. In soap operas, they reveal who fathered Bridget’s baby and then proceed to hump Julia, who we all know is engaged to Brock, who is doing missionary work in the Congo. Intrigue!
Healthy People Will Destroy Us
The Dutch have ruined our lives again by pointing out that, while you may die young if you’re a fatty fat smoker, if you’re one of those selfish assholes who’s all about being healthy, your long ass life is going to cost the government more in the long run just because you refuse to die. Man, f*ck you.
Apparently when you die from fatness, you’re going to cost your tax paying friends about $371k, which is pretty steep. Smokers cost a little more but Jesus, if you’re healthy, your long, drawn out life is going to cost the world at large $417k. That’s more awful than Gargamel and man, Gargamel was awful.
Fat Kids Get Bullied
Speaking of fatties and their toll on society, researchers in Michigan built a supercomputer called “Durr” and input a bunch of magazine clippings and pictures of Einstein into it until it churned out this chestnut of wisdom – fat kids are at a greater risk of being bullied than average sized kids. Zoinks!
Likely this news came as a shock to anyone raised by wolves, or new visitors to our world who don’t understand our crazy ways and mostly just want to probe us anally, bullying be damned. For everyone else, this was about as stunning as learning toilet water leaves a funny aftertaste and going to a Julia Roberts movie is going to end in soul crushing ennui.
We can’t back this with much science of our own, but we like to think there was a time long, long ago, when monkey men were first fashioning tools from sticks and bones, and one fat ass monkey dude with a glandular condition tried to make a hammer and the other monkey men pointed at his bitch tits before they bashed his skull in.
Twitter is Pointless
Holy crap, Justin Halpern is going to shit a brick. Turns out nearly half of everything on Twitter is more useless than the other half of everything on Twitter. To be more specific, it’s been determined that 40.5% of all tweets are “pointless babble.” Say it ain’t so!
According to the same research, just under 6% of tweets are for self promotion, with Holy Taco’s Twitter feed taking up a sizeable chunk of that. The biggest chunk, aside from the bullshit, was “conversation” at 37.5%. So people spend less time actually conversing with Twitter than they do making the equivalent of 140 character long cyber farts. Fantastic.
Stripper Earnings Affected by Periods
It’s possible the rest of the research team back at the university had a high five party for the guy who managed to get funding for this endeavor, and then presented him with the Golden Bullshit award. In a nutshell, this study set out to determine how a stripper’s menstrual cycle affected her earnings. Haven’t you always wondered that? Haven’t you? Yeah, you have.
Because Stmichaelisdead is all about education, I'll let you know how things turned out. Apparently, when a woman is ovulating, she gets bigger tips. If a woman is actually menstruating, she makes about $185, most of which she must spend on wipes to clean the pole. God damn, I'm sorry I made that joke. After ovulation she’ll make about $260 a shift. But while she’s all fertile and ready to go, she’ll make $335 on average. What does that mean? Honestly, absolutely nothing at all to you or me. Or even strippers, unless they’re using their vag as a scheduling tool and want to maximize work profit before going on vacation.................
Big Boobed Hitchhikers Get Picked Up More
If you ever doubted the place of science in the world (and presumably you live near Salt Lake if you did), behold the wonder of research. Science, giver of warmth, destroyer of ignorance, has shown that your chances of being picked up while hitchhiking will significantly improve if you have big boobies. Probably this is biology and physics and nuclear kickassery all in one.
Using high tech methods (stuffing a chick’s bra) research showed that a woman with an A cup has about a 15% chance of being picked up. A B cup’s chances go up to 17% and a C cup will take you all the way to 24%. The data ends there because the study is European and apparently D cups don’t exist there. If they did, it’s possible the woman would be given a free car and some croissants.
Of course this only applies to male drivers, as female drivers couldn’t give a shit how much sweater meat you’re packing, scientifically speaking. No word yet on the likelihood of being picked up if you’re a dude showing a few inches of neck.
How Do Soap Operas Portray Coma Patients?
This study is amazing. Someone wanted to know how soap operas portray and potentially misrepresent comas and coma patients. And thank God. Can you imagine living in a world where science didn’t delve into this? Where for all we know, soap operas are portraying comas as wicked albeit sleepy orgies full of T-bone steaks, imported beer and sweet, sweet heiny. Christ, what were the results?!?
According to this exhaustive research, soap operas take an overly optimistic view of coma and coma recovery. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck! Damn you, soap operas! Damn your infernal optimism!
In real life, when and if people recover from comas they tend to often have cognitive delays and difficulties. In soap operas, they reveal who fathered Bridget’s baby and then proceed to hump Julia, who we all know is engaged to Brock, who is doing missionary work in the Congo. Intrigue!
Healthy People Will Destroy Us
The Dutch have ruined our lives again by pointing out that, while you may die young if you’re a fatty fat smoker, if you’re one of those selfish assholes who’s all about being healthy, your long ass life is going to cost the government more in the long run just because you refuse to die. Man, f*ck you.
Apparently when you die from fatness, you’re going to cost your tax paying friends about $371k, which is pretty steep. Smokers cost a little more but Jesus, if you’re healthy, your long, drawn out life is going to cost the world at large $417k. That’s more awful than Gargamel and man, Gargamel was awful.
Fat Kids Get Bullied
Speaking of fatties and their toll on society, researchers in Michigan built a supercomputer called “Durr” and input a bunch of magazine clippings and pictures of Einstein into it until it churned out this chestnut of wisdom – fat kids are at a greater risk of being bullied than average sized kids. Zoinks!
Likely this news came as a shock to anyone raised by wolves, or new visitors to our world who don’t understand our crazy ways and mostly just want to probe us anally, bullying be damned. For everyone else, this was about as stunning as learning toilet water leaves a funny aftertaste and going to a Julia Roberts movie is going to end in soul crushing ennui.
We can’t back this with much science of our own, but we like to think there was a time long, long ago, when monkey men were first fashioning tools from sticks and bones, and one fat ass monkey dude with a glandular condition tried to make a hammer and the other monkey men pointed at his bitch tits before they bashed his skull in.
Twitter is Pointless
Holy crap, Justin Halpern is going to shit a brick. Turns out nearly half of everything on Twitter is more useless than the other half of everything on Twitter. To be more specific, it’s been determined that 40.5% of all tweets are “pointless babble.” Say it ain’t so!
According to the same research, just under 6% of tweets are for self promotion, with Holy Taco’s Twitter feed taking up a sizeable chunk of that. The biggest chunk, aside from the bullshit, was “conversation” at 37.5%. So people spend less time actually conversing with Twitter than they do making the equivalent of 140 character long cyber farts. Fantastic.
Stripper Earnings Affected by Periods
It’s possible the rest of the research team back at the university had a high five party for the guy who managed to get funding for this endeavor, and then presented him with the Golden Bullshit award. In a nutshell, this study set out to determine how a stripper’s menstrual cycle affected her earnings. Haven’t you always wondered that? Haven’t you? Yeah, you have.
Because Stmichaelisdead is all about education, I'll let you know how things turned out. Apparently, when a woman is ovulating, she gets bigger tips. If a woman is actually menstruating, she makes about $185, most of which she must spend on wipes to clean the pole. God damn, I'm sorry I made that joke. After ovulation she’ll make about $260 a shift. But while she’s all fertile and ready to go, she’ll make $335 on average. What does that mean? Honestly, absolutely nothing at all to you or me. Or even strippers, unless they’re using their vag as a scheduling tool and want to maximize work profit before going on vacation.................
7 People Who Messed With Texas
Of all the places not to mess with, Texas is at the top of the list. But in reality, this near universal recognition of Texas as a state above is misplaced. Turns out the “Don’t Mess with Texas” slogan is nothing more than a marketing ploy cooked up for the Texas Department of Transportation to discourage rednecks from littering the roads with their empty beer cans.
So don’t let the bumper stickers, fridge magnets, and trashy tattoos fool you. Texas is just as worthy of a good razzing as Indiana, Oklahoma, and all the crappy states in our fair land. That’s not to say that Texas won’t mess with you in return, but you shouldn’t be unduly worried about the Lone Star State.
Still don’t believe me? Here are seven examples of people who have messed with Texas to varying degrees of success.
7. Bonnie and Clyde
Both Bonnie Parker and Clyde Barrow hailed from the Loan Star State. But this infamous crime couple didn’t seem to feel much kinship with their fellow Texans, especially members of Texas’ law enforcement. Most of their early robberies and murders took place in the state, as did the infamous Eastham prison break which Barrow orchestrated in 1934. Not long after the brazen raid in which many lawmen were killed, Texas grew tired of being messed with and formed a posse led by Texas Ranger Frank Hamer (Walker, Texas Ranger had not yet been born). Hamer and his crew tracked the pair to Louisiana, and turned them into human pencils.
6. Robin Ventura
With close to 6000 strikeouts and seven no-hitters, it’s easy to see why Nolan Ryan, a native Texan, is considered a hero to baseball fans in his home state. So in 1993, when Chicago White Sox third baseman Robin Ventura charged Ryan after being hit with a pitch, it was a safe assumption that he wasn’t making any friends with the local populous. Despite Ventura being twenty years his junior, the 46-year-old Ryan easily manhandled his attacker, pummeling him until other players pulled them apart. Texas fans never forgave Ventura for the incident, and he was booed whenever he played in the state for the remainder of his career.
5. Antonio López de Santa Anna
Antonio López de Santa Anna, better known as Santa Anna, was a Mexican general, president, and sometimes dictator back in the early 1800’s. And if there’s one thing to be said for him, it’s that he had no problem messing with Texas. In fact, Santa Anna was screwing with Texas before it officially existed, making him perhaps the first person ever to mess with it.
In 1835, what we now know as Texas was still part of Mexico. When people in the area decided to declare their independence, Santa Anna decided he didn’t like that idea, and brutally squashed the rebellion, killing roughly 200 fighters at the Battle of the Alamo, and executing around 300 prisoners afterward. Although they eventually had their revenge with Santa Anna’s humiliating capture and defeat, Texans still bitch and moan about the Alamo to this day, which is a testament to how badly they were messed with.
4. Gregory Lee Johnson
In 1984, Gregory Lee Johnson was a member of the Revolutionary Communist Youth Brigade, which is a nice way of saying he was an all-around asshole. During a protest in Dallas, Johnson decided it would be a good idea to steal an American flag and light it on fire. Texas didn’t take too kindly to the act, and charged Johnson with a state law prohibiting desecration of a venerated object. However, Johnson appealed all the way to the Supreme Court, which ruled in his favor. The case became known as Texas v. Johnson, and is considered an important milestone in the interpretation of the First Amendment. It’s also the reason Fregie of The Black Eyed Peas continues to defecate on American flags with total impunity (probably).
3. Jane Roe
Jane Roe (whose real name was Norma Leah McCorvey), messed with Texas in a very similar manner to Gregory Lee Johnson. But instead of burning flags with kerosene, Roe wanted to burn fetuses with saline solution. However, anti-abortion laws in Texas prevented her from doing so. Roe challenged the laws in court, and like Johnson, the Supreme Court ruled in her favor, paving the way for legal abortions nationwide. If she had not messed with Texas, you’d still be making child support payments to that fat girl you met in Fort Lauderdale during spring break, 2004.
2. Oprah
In 1996, Oprah messed with Texas in the worst way possible: she threatened to stop eating ground beef. While that alone would negatively affect the Texas cattle trade, comments she made on her show about her fear of Mad Cow Disease scared the living daylights out of Texas cattlemen. The fear of a bunch of dimwitted housewives following Oprah’s lead them to sue the TV host for "false defamation of perishable food" and "business disparagement." However, Oprah beat the charges in what had to be one of the most humiliating defeats in Texas history.
1. Charles Whitman
On August 1, 1966, University of Texas student Chales Whitman decided to mess with Texas...in a big way. An ex-Marine, Whitman put his shooting skills to use, climbing to the top of a tower on campus and launching one of the deadliest shooting sprees in American history. In all, 14 people were killed and 32 were wounded before authorities finally killed the nut bag. Hopefully, Texas hero Sam Houston is brutally sodomizing Whitman in hell as we speak.
Honorable Mention: Tony Romo
Every year millions of Texans think Tony Romo is going to take the Cowboys to the Superbowl. They should know by now that he's just messing with them.
So don’t let the bumper stickers, fridge magnets, and trashy tattoos fool you. Texas is just as worthy of a good razzing as Indiana, Oklahoma, and all the crappy states in our fair land. That’s not to say that Texas won’t mess with you in return, but you shouldn’t be unduly worried about the Lone Star State.
Still don’t believe me? Here are seven examples of people who have messed with Texas to varying degrees of success.
7. Bonnie and Clyde
Both Bonnie Parker and Clyde Barrow hailed from the Loan Star State. But this infamous crime couple didn’t seem to feel much kinship with their fellow Texans, especially members of Texas’ law enforcement. Most of their early robberies and murders took place in the state, as did the infamous Eastham prison break which Barrow orchestrated in 1934. Not long after the brazen raid in which many lawmen were killed, Texas grew tired of being messed with and formed a posse led by Texas Ranger Frank Hamer (Walker, Texas Ranger had not yet been born). Hamer and his crew tracked the pair to Louisiana, and turned them into human pencils.
6. Robin Ventura
With close to 6000 strikeouts and seven no-hitters, it’s easy to see why Nolan Ryan, a native Texan, is considered a hero to baseball fans in his home state. So in 1993, when Chicago White Sox third baseman Robin Ventura charged Ryan after being hit with a pitch, it was a safe assumption that he wasn’t making any friends with the local populous. Despite Ventura being twenty years his junior, the 46-year-old Ryan easily manhandled his attacker, pummeling him until other players pulled them apart. Texas fans never forgave Ventura for the incident, and he was booed whenever he played in the state for the remainder of his career.
5. Antonio López de Santa Anna
Antonio López de Santa Anna, better known as Santa Anna, was a Mexican general, president, and sometimes dictator back in the early 1800’s. And if there’s one thing to be said for him, it’s that he had no problem messing with Texas. In fact, Santa Anna was screwing with Texas before it officially existed, making him perhaps the first person ever to mess with it.
In 1835, what we now know as Texas was still part of Mexico. When people in the area decided to declare their independence, Santa Anna decided he didn’t like that idea, and brutally squashed the rebellion, killing roughly 200 fighters at the Battle of the Alamo, and executing around 300 prisoners afterward. Although they eventually had their revenge with Santa Anna’s humiliating capture and defeat, Texans still bitch and moan about the Alamo to this day, which is a testament to how badly they were messed with.
4. Gregory Lee Johnson
In 1984, Gregory Lee Johnson was a member of the Revolutionary Communist Youth Brigade, which is a nice way of saying he was an all-around asshole. During a protest in Dallas, Johnson decided it would be a good idea to steal an American flag and light it on fire. Texas didn’t take too kindly to the act, and charged Johnson with a state law prohibiting desecration of a venerated object. However, Johnson appealed all the way to the Supreme Court, which ruled in his favor. The case became known as Texas v. Johnson, and is considered an important milestone in the interpretation of the First Amendment. It’s also the reason Fregie of The Black Eyed Peas continues to defecate on American flags with total impunity (probably).
3. Jane Roe
Jane Roe (whose real name was Norma Leah McCorvey), messed with Texas in a very similar manner to Gregory Lee Johnson. But instead of burning flags with kerosene, Roe wanted to burn fetuses with saline solution. However, anti-abortion laws in Texas prevented her from doing so. Roe challenged the laws in court, and like Johnson, the Supreme Court ruled in her favor, paving the way for legal abortions nationwide. If she had not messed with Texas, you’d still be making child support payments to that fat girl you met in Fort Lauderdale during spring break, 2004.
2. Oprah
In 1996, Oprah messed with Texas in the worst way possible: she threatened to stop eating ground beef. While that alone would negatively affect the Texas cattle trade, comments she made on her show about her fear of Mad Cow Disease scared the living daylights out of Texas cattlemen. The fear of a bunch of dimwitted housewives following Oprah’s lead them to sue the TV host for "false defamation of perishable food" and "business disparagement." However, Oprah beat the charges in what had to be one of the most humiliating defeats in Texas history.
1. Charles Whitman
On August 1, 1966, University of Texas student Chales Whitman decided to mess with Texas...in a big way. An ex-Marine, Whitman put his shooting skills to use, climbing to the top of a tower on campus and launching one of the deadliest shooting sprees in American history. In all, 14 people were killed and 32 were wounded before authorities finally killed the nut bag. Hopefully, Texas hero Sam Houston is brutally sodomizing Whitman in hell as we speak.
Honorable Mention: Tony Romo
Every year millions of Texans think Tony Romo is going to take the Cowboys to the Superbowl. They should know by now that he's just messing with them.
Goddddd I love texas :)
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Don't You Float Away
Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands?
Close your eyes and trust it, trust it.
Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air?
Have you ever looked fear in the face and said I just don't care?
It's only half past the point of no return
The tip of the iceberg, the sun before the burn
The thunder before lightning, the breath before the phrase
Have you ever felt this way?
Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?
Your whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone
Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry?
Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?
Its only half past the point of oblivion
The hourglass on the table, the walk before the run
The breath before the kiss and the fear before the flames
Have you ever felt this way?
There you are, sitting in the garden
Clutching my coffee, calling me sugar
Have you ever wished for an endless night?
Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight
Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself
Will it ever get better than tonight? Tonight.
Close your eyes and trust it, trust it.
Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air?
Have you ever looked fear in the face and said I just don't care?
It's only half past the point of no return
The tip of the iceberg, the sun before the burn
The thunder before lightning, the breath before the phrase
Have you ever felt this way?
Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?
Your whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone
Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry?
Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?
Its only half past the point of oblivion
The hourglass on the table, the walk before the run
The breath before the kiss and the fear before the flames
Have you ever felt this way?
There you are, sitting in the garden
Clutching my coffee, calling me sugar
Have you ever wished for an endless night?
Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight
Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself
Will it ever get better than tonight? Tonight.
gridlock on the parkway
all the living are dead, and the dead are all living
the war is over and we are beginning.
gridlock on the parkway now, the television man is here to show you how
the channel fades to snow, its off to work you go but at least..the war is over
shes gone, she left before you woke, as you ate last night, neither of you spoke
dishes, tv, bed the darkness filled with dread, but at least the war is over.
we won, or we think we did, when you went away, you were just a kid, and if you lost it all...and you lost it. we will still be there when the war is over
all the living are dead and the dead are all living
the war is over and we are beginning.
here it comes, here comes the first day
it starts up in our bedroom after the war.
....after the war
the war is over and we are beginning.
gridlock on the parkway now, the television man is here to show you how
the channel fades to snow, its off to work you go but at least..the war is over
shes gone, she left before you woke, as you ate last night, neither of you spoke
dishes, tv, bed the darkness filled with dread, but at least the war is over.
we won, or we think we did, when you went away, you were just a kid, and if you lost it all...and you lost it. we will still be there when the war is over
all the living are dead and the dead are all living
the war is over and we are beginning.
here it comes, here comes the first day
it starts up in our bedroom after the war.
....after the war
is it really sin?
i owe you, don't i?
a little light today but tomorrow
ohh tomorrow
this usury's so typical
a piece of you for a piece of me
it's hard coded.
its all right
lets call it good.
ahhh a little more...
let's make this even
a piece of you for a piece of me
its hard coded
a little light today but tomorrow
ohh tomorrow
this usury's so typical
a piece of you for a piece of me
it's hard coded.
its all right
lets call it good.
ahhh a little more...
let's make this even
a piece of you for a piece of me
its hard coded
is it really a sin if we both come out even?
Monday, August 9, 2010
facebook.
just because we have 20 mutual
friends on facebook does not mean im your
friend. why are you adding me?
Wakka Flocka Fucka Ducka.....
Yeah everyone.
I'M BACK.
This probably won't be one of my better blogs but yeah....
Ohhh the musics updated too :)
-ashybutt
I was really hoping I wouldn't have to blog on this guy but ...apparently its kinda hard to avoid him with his wonderful masterpiece of a song O LETS DO IT...which by the way...ugh which by the way sounds a hell of a lot dumber than the title itself..the lyrics i mean. i mean what purpose am I supposed to get out a song with the chorus that consists of " Ay, o lets do it, o lets do it...o lets do it...yeaaaaaaaaaahhh"...I mean what am I supposed to get out of that? In case you don't know who I'm talking about this guy and I quote Wakka Flocka Flame ..yeah I said it. Or as I like to call him, Gucci Mane Jr...and given that Gucci is shitty as fuck, its NO surprise that this guy, aka his..."right hand man" should be just as sucky and untalented as he is. Every time someone new comes out I try to listen to the song all the way through..but shit....I try and give them a fighting chance...you know, to find one redeemable quality about the artist. I did this to O LETS DO IT...or its appropriate name should be OLAY DO IT...All I could say afterwards was what the fucking hell. My thoughts after the song were along the lines of "I'd rather watch a dolphin rape an autistic kid...repeatedly. FULL volume"....I mean seriously there was no meaning behind it except playing dice and getting high and acting like a complete fucktard in front of plus 20,000 people...REALL ORIGINAL buddy. I read he got shot. HAHA. Yeah with a name like that YOU SHOULD. I mean Wokka Flocka Flame? What the fuck are you a pokemon? I mean you can guarantee your ass is gonna get shot......all I can says is Wokka Flocka Flame...what the fuck dude? Mannn how do you even spell that shit?
And Gucci..every time I listen to him my IQ drops 15 points. And do me a favor...name one rapper who is better than Gucci. I hear the most from Gucci dick warmers, "well you don't get it cause youre not a reall hood nigga"....sure I'm WHITE YOU IDIOT but you def ain't hood. So shut the fuckkk up. People saying shit like "Gucci Mane represents us"...he doesn't give a shit about you. He's making money off of your dumb ass. You're just dollar signs. Its called a target audience. He, a dumbass like you, is targeting other DUMBASSES. Of COURSE they are going to support him.
Just cause you got money doesn't mean you got talent.
Its all about underground.
You know you suck when dead guys are making more than you.
...Tupac, Biggie...mannn they make more than Wokka and Gucci...
......Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
In 4 years Gucci's gonna be nothing. Wokka's gonna be nothing. They're gonna be walking around in bumbfuck idk NORTON or some shit and nobodys going to recognize them.
Ohhhh.... Wokka if you're reading this...i can like ghost write for you :)
Just dial (YOU) GOT-SHIT (968) 468-7448
A penny for my thoughts..
oh no I'll sell them for a dollar.
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner.
And then maybe you'll hear the words i been singin,
Funny when you're dead how people start listening.
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